what is this / 01

[stiling]

[ The transmission starts off audio, a confused voice spluttering to itself as Stiles haplessly hits buttons on his communicator. ]

Okay, well, ya said Cape Kore like that means anything to me, but here's the thing, sucker, is that I've never been to a Cape Anything. --Who even lives near a cape, I'm not a cape kind of --

[ Video! It flips over and the face jumps and makes a few surprised shapes. ]

Well. Hello, guy. That just flashed. Nine-one-one? Hello? I'm, um. I'm not living here. There's been a mistake.

Comments

[shesamarshmallow]

What do you mean "we," G.I. Jane?

And no, they didn't. Which means, if you'd managed to bring yours through, you could be rich now.

Man. You should have brought your porn!

video

[hung_garian]

Lock yourself in the cellar?

[ audio ]

[noblexcompanion]

[ She hums a few bars of dueling banjos. Before laughing. ] No, sorry. No banjos. Just direwolves and earthquakes.

video;

[silvergat]

'Kay, then be a little bitch.

[ THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY. ]

[stiling]

[ He grins. ] Aw. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself like that. You've got plenty of 'em.

I'm sorry! I'll plan ahead accordingly for the next unannounced mass kidnapping! Therein lays my mistake.

[stiling]

Oh, trust me, I remain strong. But it's just the most predictable.

video;

[stiling]

[ SQUEAKY NOISE OF INDIGNATION. ]

Well, you know, maybe I will!

video

[stiling]

[ There's a little more there than the usual disgust that comes with the idea of locking oneself in the cellar, but he doesn't say much about it. ]

No thanks, not really my style. I guess it's just facing hellcreatures on my own. Where's my complimentary katana?

[ Video ]

[stiling]

[ SUCH A LIE. Stiles just gives a small laugh. ]

If you haven't been told around at least once, then I am so not believing how well you know Lydia Martin.

[ audio ]

[stiling]

Which is at least only violating in the 'my viscera is on the floor' kind of way.

[shesamarshmallow]

[And that eyebrow that just went up? Ignore the grin that goes along with it, Stiles, that eyebrow clearly says, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself, broski."]

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one...

So have people told you what to watch out for? Like, "Don't go into the woods, don't trust people in lab coats who have people-sized suitcases?"

[stiling]

If it's Maine, it's Fahrenheit.

[ If it's space, it just invented its own, probably. ]

Hang on, what kinda government are we talking here?

video

[hung_garian]

Did the welcome wagon not bring one along? How remiss of them. It's usually the fruit basket they forget.

[onteamdyson]

Well alright Mr. Smartypants common sense.

[OVEN = PREHEATING! Fuck yes. Pizza, soon you will be in their mouths! Now she just ha to open the stupid box and that stupid plastic. Augh. Give her a minute.]

Uhh... American? They're with SHIELD. Whatever the hell that ... stands for. It's really long, okay? I can only remember so much awesome shiz before my brain overheats, melts, and I turn into a really cute zombie. You should ask him about it. Talk to him. Make a million friends. Gain body guards.

[Strategies for the future prevention of dead Stiles. Or SFPDS ... not as catchy.]

[ Video ]

[goodluckkobra]

Okay, Lydia tells me what to do.

A lot, actually. [But he totally doesn't have to listen!]

I choose to listen, 'cause she's smart and usually right.

[ Video ]

[stiling]

Alright, there you go. That's more like the Lydia we all know and love. [ And follow and pine after since grade school and - ]

Just gotta figure out how to keep that dignity intact, but admitting it's the first half of the problem.

video

[stiling]

Of course! I don't even get the mint on my pillow; I'm sitting here on Boardwalk with crap. But hey, at least I'm dressed. Small victories.

[stiling]

You'd have five cents! [ Beaming. ]

Yeah, yeah, I got filled in on some of it. Crazy, big-ass animals chilling in the woods and some creepers dumped us here and have lots of candy in their vans. Guess it wouldn't be very intimidating if we could just trounce our way on outta here sans becoming angry wolf dinner, though, right?

[stiling]

I'm sorry, next time I'll hold back on my crazy America superpowers.

[ He's not gonna even help, he's just gonna rub his hands together and watch her, faint grin at his mouth. ]

I haven't even heard of that, how secret is that? [ This is SO COOL. ] You'd make a pretty snazzy zombie, though, so there's that going for you. Can't I just get a bat or something for myself? All my bodyguards got left back home.

[ audio ]

[noblexcompanion]

Sommat like that, yeah.

video

[hung_garian]

And the community at large, I suspect, rejoices with you on that point.

[onteamdyson]

You better!

[Oh my god, you little brat. When she finally rips the package open the first thing she does is shoot Stiles a triumphant grin! The second thing she does is put the thing in the oven. Then she sets the timer.]

Pretty secret I guess. [A smirk] Whhhhhy, thank you. If the whole life thing doesn't work out, it's nice to know I have options to fall back on. [She leans against the counter.] Also no. The bat is mine. Get your own.

[ Video ]

[goodluckkobra]

[He laughs.]

Look, when your options are dignity or sex with a beautiful lady, your dignity's not worth it.

[Life lessons from Kobra! Aww, yeah!]

[ Video ]

[stiling]

Definitely not when it's sex on the ta- -- haaaaaable --

[ Once again, Stiles' mouth moving before his brain can catch up, and then suddenly it's as though Kobra's successfully punched him in the face rather than taught him such a VERY VALUABLE life lesson. ]

Sex, like, penis in- in the vajayjay, that kind of, sex. With Lydia.

[ Video ]

[goodluckkobra]

[He just gives Stile a look. He's not sure what's worse, his shock or the fact that he just said "vajayjay".]

On second thought, I think I need to keep my clothes on around you.