cape_kore | 001 | Anna Miton

I've hurt so many people... so many of our brothers and sisters and the world is no safer than it was then.

[Part of him knows that it was worth it, but there are so many regrets and mistakes that he can't do anything about.]

You're not the only one who's wondered that. I have, a lot.

[ She's not sure what he means exactly by hurting their brothers and sisters, but she'll ask later. If she tried now she'd probably end up pointing out that they deserved whatever it was, and she's sure Castiel doesn't want to hear that now. ]

Things were much simpler back then, it's true, but it's always worth it Cas. The decisions you've made, bad or good, at least they were yours. Not some absent Fathers supposed orders.

Did you know that you were taking on this kind of responsibility when you chose to fall?

[He shakes his head.]

I never even knew what I was really fighting for. I just knew that Dean thought it was worth it.

We weren't fighting when I fell. I thought I could just live out a normal, human life. That's all I fell for, not this cause.

[ And how naive a thought that had turned out to be. All she can do is sigh and try not to think of that life, how it had been upturned. ]

I neer wanted to be a part of this war, but we do what we must. What do you know now? Do you think it was worth it?

I know some of it was. I hope the rest was, too.

[Castiel doesn't really understand her want for a human life. It's nothing he's ever even considered. He never wanted a human life. He wanted to improve life for them, not take away what they were. Maybe he'd been chasing something impossible.]

I'm sorry that you couldn't have that. You deserved it.

That's what matters, that you thought it was worth it. All I ever wanted for you was the chance to think for yourself.

[ She misses it, more than she'll ever admit to anyone. Before she'd started hearing the angels her life had been perfect, heart aching and painful at times but everything that she had wanted. Now, she's not sure what she wants any more. ]

I don't think I did. It was selfish, I should have stayed. I could have done more good that way, I chose the easy way out.

[ Not that it had exactly been easy.Falling was never intended to be. ]

You said yourself that you didn't know about the fighting yet. I don't think you were selfish for wanting to be happy. None of us could have understood at the time, though.

[He understands now, but he also understands that some people will never be happy and it's often the people who have worked the hardest and suffered the most.]

I could have helped all of us, not just myself. I might not have known about that war, but we've all been around long enough to know what Heaven is like. I left you all to your fates so I could get my perfect ending.

[ It's not often that she'll admit to her regrets, but special circumstances mean a brief exception. That doesn't mean it's exactly easy, though. ]

I shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry for that.

I never held that against you, Anna. I didn't understand, but I wasn't angry at you. Our Father should have given us the choices that you wanted.

[Maybe then they all would have been equipped for... any of it. They would have been able to think for themselves. All of them.]

[ Anna's not sure where her feelings about Castiel lie any more. Somewhere along the lines it's blurred between anger and guilt, bitterness and regret, and it's not so simple any more. ]

He should have, but He should have done a lot of things. What's in the past is in the past.

[ ...Or the future, but that's neither here nor there. ]

We've all done things we're not proud of, Castiel. That in itself is not a thing to be ashamed of.

[It's a little harder for him, he thinks. A little more complicated, maybe. He's done so many awful things and each tops the last. He's not sure he'll ever really get past it.]

You're right. I suppose we must only learn and move on.

[It's a lie. He'll bury it the way he knows Dean does, because it's the only way.]

It's all anyone can do.

[ It's hardly helpful advice, but it's all she's got to give. It's hardly like she's the poster child for dealing with issues that arise; Anna's biggest life decision has centred around running away from a problem rather than trying to fix it. ]

Still. Circumstances aside, it's-

[ What, exactly? Good to see him? Awful? She gives a tight smile as she continues. ]

I'm glad you are doing alright. This isn't how I expected to be running into you again.

I hadn't expected this, either. I... I'm glad you're here.

[He's glad she's alive, even if there's something strange about the fact that this is some earlier version of Anna. Maybe that makes it better. It's the Anna he should have helped, not the one who tried to kill Sam and Dean's parents.]

I'm glad I'm here too, I'd rather...

[ She trails off quietly, and then just shrugs. She's very glad to be out of that prison and anywhere but there, but that doesn't exactly make these circumstances any easier. Being better than angelic prison isn't exactly hard to achieve.

Instead of continuing, she just flashes a lazy, almost amused smirk.]

It's alright here, all things considered. After all, you're here and you've actually got a head screwed on your shoulders now, it seems. What more could a girl ask for?

Many people would argue otherwise.

[He smiles a little, though. Despite everything, he does think he's doing better now than he had been before Purgatory. Having Anna and Balthazar here helps and he thinks he could get used to Gabriel, too.]

Perhaps... we can both start over.

Start over, sounds idyllic.

[ Her smile is nowhere near as sarcastic as her words, and the genuine grin on her face betrays her hopes for something close to that far more than she cares for. ]

Do the people here know about angels? I...don't know how comfortable I am telling others, just yet.

I have only been honest with Mina as to what I am, though I have not hidden that I'm not human.

[He pauses.] She's help me a few times. I trust her.

Mina. I'll bear that in mind.

[ She's clearly uncomfortable, it's not like she enjoys what she's about to ask. It feels sneaky and underhand, but until she has a better idea of what is going on she doesn't want to draw too much attention to herself. ]

I don't expect you will but all the same, I'd appreciate it if you didn't...tell anyone about me. At least until we know more about what is going on, anyway. Please.

I won't. As far as anyone will know, I believe you to be human.

[He owes her so much. This is the least he can do. He can protect her secrets.]

[ She doesn't want to trust him, she's always thought herself smarter than to harbour belief in someone based on a shared history. They'd been through much together, and she'd once believed that would keep her safe. This time should be different.

It's not. She can't help but smile - and really smile, too - and there's a familiar sense of assurance that reminds her of...how had she put it before? The old days. ]

Thank you, Cas. It means a lot.

[ It does, it really does. More than she'll ever actually explain to him, and it isn't going to make up for past mistakes, but it sure as hell helps. ]

I know you don't owe me anything, but I'd like to try--[To what? To fix things? How can he even begin to do that? He frowns.]

I know I made a mistake and I can't undo it, but anything you need... You have me.

[ And this is definitely sentimentality for those old days motivating her, because as much as she hates it he has spent a lot more time being important to her than he ever has been betraying that. It's too soon for forgiveness, too much for her to let that hint of bitterness quite fade when she looks at him, and certainly too soon for her to move past it all.

But she's alone in a strange place, and she needs someone she can count on. ]

It works the other way as well, you know.

[ It's a step in the right direction, hardly fixing the shattered trust, but it's better than nothing. ] I'm here, and I still want to help. Something tells me you're not having the same troubles as before, but...I'll help all the same. Whatever I can do.

No, my troubles have changed quite a bit.

[Truthfully, though, he wouldn't dare ask her for help. If Dean needed help, he might ask her, but not for himself. He owes her so much that he can't repay just for giving him a chance. He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve any of them, but somehow he still has people he knows he can count on.

He doesn't even know what to do with that.]

I am much more concerned with Sam and Dean's safety than my own troubles, though. I can manage.

[ She wants to ask him to tell her. She wants him to share what those troubles are, and she wants to help him, like she's always wanted to and for a long time just did.

It's not a long time ago, though, and there's just a little too much between them to become best friends, and that bitterness rises in her throat again and stops her from saying anything. Instead she just nods, slowly, and there's a smile somewhere there too, almost. ]

I'll help keep them safe.

[ That much is the least that she can do, considering her life is entirely in their debt. ]

But someone has to look out for you too.

[ And that's as close as she'll get to saying that she'll protect him, as much as she can. Because it's what she's done for so long, and that at least is one habit she can't give up yet. ]

[He smiles bitterly.]

I don't deserve to have anyone looking out for me. I appreciate that, though. I would prefer that you all keep yourselves safe than get hurt worrying about me.

[He would prefer that if anyone was going to get hurt that it would be him, because he deserves the punishment more than any of them. He deserves the pain.]

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happytobleed - 2012-12-24 03:52 (UTC) - Expand

001 | Anna Miton | [Audio only]

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