cape_kore | 003 | Castiel | [Private Video to Dean]

[ He didn't happen to find the random shoe laces Dean had begun to pull out and tie small, somewhat threatening (to cats) objects to fiddle around with Bernice did he? His brow arched a bit. ]

...you okay, Cas? [ He was already heading out the door by the time his mind registered the fact that Cas was asking him to meet at the bar. ]

I'm fine. It's--

[He appears less than a foot from Dean.]

I've told you that Mina helped me look for Sam.

[ Dean skidded to a stop when Cas appeared in front of him. Wait until he got to the bar...he'd be better equipped to deal with this conversation without it leaving a bad taste in his mouth if he had a beer, Cas. ]

I know...and?

You watched her save my life. She risked her safety for me and she's kept my secrets.

[Castiel doesn't particularly care for the feeling that comes after being drunk, so he tends to dismiss it as a coping mechanism. He doesn't really consider that it might help Dean.]

[ Dean crossed his arms, studying Cas quietly. ]

Okay...I have no idea where this is going. [ To be honest, Mina had posted about mandatory physicals. That's okay. He opted out. ] Mina's your friend. That's good. It means your social network isn't me, Sam, and your siblings anymore.

You made this sound important, Cas. [ He was hoping for something pertaining to the scientists or perhaps a way to get most of the people back home. ]

[He gives Dean an exasperated look. Is this really that complicated? It's important to Castiel.]

I would appreciate it if you could treat her with more respect, Dean.

How about...we settle for tolerating her for the time being, Cas? [ He knows it's important to Cas. Reason #1 for why he was settling for tolerating her. ] Cos I don't know her from half of the people here.

I'm not asking you to trust her. I'm asking you to be nice. After--

[After he was forced to deal with Benny talking about him as if he wasn't there and trying to get Dean to leave him behind... There's a dull ache in his chest when he thinks about it.]

Please. I don't deserve requests, but it's the only one I have, Dean.

You said respect her. I don't. I won't until we deal with each other more.

[ And that was already looking bleak after she quit being a doctor. He rolled his eyes with a scoff. ]

Oh c'mon, Cas. Don't dwell on that stuff. You're not the first one of us to kick-start an apocalypse scenario, you certainly won't be the last. [ Please don't make him bring up Sam's little rebellion period. Dean's already had that hanging over his head for so long, he didn't know if he could ever forgive his brother for the things he did. But he accepted him.

Same was with Castiel. No matter how many times he could say he forgave the both of them...it was always there. ]

I hurt you.

[He closes his eyes.]

I killed Balthazar. I--Even after that, I couldn't keep you safe in Purgatory. I couldn't--

[His hands are shaking. All he can think about is how much he's failed everyone else, how Benny came through for Dean when he couldn't. He can't really blame Dean for choosing Benny and he does feel as if Dean did do that, in a fashion.]

Everyone I know has hurt me one way or another, this isn't the first time. It definitely won't be the last.

[ Dean sighed with slight roll of his eyes. Benny had been the only friend to him that hadn't stabbed him in the back (yet). But he still accepted Cas and Sam. He still loved them both. ] I kept myself safe in Purgatory...so I guess that works out for the best, right?

You shouldn't have had to. You shouldn't have been there in the first place, Dean.

[It's his fault. It's completely his fault and he's so thankful that Dean is still alive, but it's despite of his actions, not because of him. He's a terrible friend and a terrible brother. How is he not alone? It's what he deserves.]

Someone would've always been in your shoes, Cas. Crowley. Raphael. Same scenario, different people...I would've always ended up in that room.

[ He would've always ended up in Purgatory. ] I know you're keeping those over your head, but it's going to end up tearing you up. Trust me. I know.

[And that's what he deserves. To be torn up.]

I don't know what you expect from me. I can't just dismiss what I've done.

You live with it, Cas. Hell, Purgatory...whatever, it's not going to actually do anything for you. Dwelling on it and moving on with your life, that's what we do.

[ It wasn't perfect. But Purgatory held nothing against guilt a person could make themselves feel. ]

I'll try, Dean.

[It's a lie, but it's hardly the first lie he's told Dean and he doesn't think it will be the last, either, much as he wants to not feel like he has to.]

[ Well, at least he got that lie out of him. ]

I know. [ His lie felt even better when it was said out loud. ] You worry me sometimes, Cas.

[He tilts his head to the side, studying Dean.]

Why?

[ Dean watches Cas, brow arching a bit. ]

Because...I just do. This place isn't making it any easier. [ And he knew of the constant need for Cas to guilt-trip himself didn't help at all. ]

Dean... I'm... [He doesn't know what he can say to make Dean feel better about this.]

I'm working on it.

[ Dean isn't looking to feel better about himself...he's just wanting Cas to feel better and stop carrying that chip on his shoulder. ]

I know. [ He wanted to say if he needed any help to ask him.

But he didn't even ask for help. ] I know, Cas. I just want you to look after yourself.

Dean... [He can't promise that he will.]

I'm not worth worrying about. Focus on your brother.

I'm pretty sure I can focus on worrying about the both of you. [ He did multiple times before. Even though it didn't really help anything. ]

Me and Sam have to have a talk at some point, but right now I'm talking to you, Cas.

I'm not worth it, Dean. [He speaks slowly, emphasizing each word with a pause.]

You should never have gone back for me.

That's not your decision to make. [ Dean feels like Cas is talking down to him a little, but whatever. He's used to people he knows blaming themselves. Especially with the evidence mounting against them that proved they didn't need forgiveness. ]

I did. You can cry about it later.

How do you think I would feel if you'd gotten hurt for me?

[He turns away.] I couldn't live with that.

Cas, I wouldn't regret it. [ Because of reasons that were apparently only obvious to him at this point. Dean's levels of dealing with this frustration was depleting fairly quickly at this point.

It really reached the max when Castiel turned his back to him. He really didn't even hesitate before reaching over and smacking him. ] Get over yourself.

Don't start blaming yourself for crap that hasn't even happened yet. Whatever happens, Cas, it'll be fine. Hurt or not hurt.

[Castiel rounds on him, gripping his jacket in both hands and slamming him back into a wall.]

Don't. [His voice is suddenly angry and more sure than he's sounded in a long time.] If you get yourself killed over me, I will--

[ Dean really wasn't expecting him to do anything more than glare at him for a bit at this point. ]

You'll what? [ Not that he was planning to die anytime soon, he moves instead to push him away. ] You don't get to make that choice, Cas.

I'll follow you, Dean, so don't waste your time.

[He can't live in a world where Dean died for him. He won't.]

[ Was he fucking kidding him? ]

The hell, Cas? What makes you think that's even an option?

What makes you think that I have any other options, Dean?

[He deflates, stepping back a little.] What makes you think I have anything else to live for?

Edited 2012-12-21 05:39 (UTC)

You can live...for one. You can you want the guilt, you can live with that crap.

You're reason for living is not me of all things, Cas.

Then what's the point, Dean? After... everything I've done, what is the point? I deserved to be trapped in Purgatory.

That's why I pushed you through the portal and stayed behind. I should have been left there.

Don't you get it? Being trapped in Purgatory does nothing. You're surrounded by your guilt and that's it. That's not the way to fix this, Cas. That's no--[ He draws back into silence when what else Castiel says registers finally. ]

You...what? What the hell happened to the plan? It wasn't supposed to be me and Benny only. Cas you were with us the entire time.

I pushed you, Dean. You and Benny left and I watched the portal seal itself after you. It's one of the last things I remember before waking up here.

[He doesn't acknowledge Dean's plan. He doesn't even know what to say.]

[ Dean puts that in the back of his head if he returned back to the moment he came from. Stop that right in it's tracks. ]

So the entire time, even after everything, you lied?

Yes, Dean. I lied.

[This is what he needs. Dean should get angry at him. Dean should hit him and he should walk away.]

[ Dean's hands flex on instinct before he throws the punch. Regardless of what would come afterward cos he knew it'd have zero effect on Cas.

It was therapeutic to say the least. He reeled back with a pained noise, knowing in an instant that his knuckles would bruise. Fuck it. ]

This is not how it's supposed to work, Cas. I looked everywhere for you in Purgatory so we could get the fuck out of there together!

I wish you had just left.

[There's so much more emotion behind Castiel's voice than usual.]

I wish you had just left me there, Dean.

[He reaches out for Dean's hand without a thought, thinking to heal it.]

You know I couldn't.

[ Dean keeps his hand away from Castiel for the time being. ]

You know I wouldn't. You wouldn't, Cas.

I do. That's why I lied. You never would have left if I hadn't. I don't feel bad about that. It's the one lie I don't feel bad about at all.

Obviously not. [ A flash of regret crosses over his face. ] I don't get why leading me on with that doesn't make you feel as bad as it should have when you lied to me about working with Crowley...but it is.

[ He flexes his hands again. ] You and Sammy both, lying to me has gotten way too easy for the both of you.

You're the one who taught me, Dean! You're the one who told me that humans lie when they want something.

003 | Castiel | [Private Video to Dean]

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