001 | video | day 046

[designedtoparty]

[The video opens with an uncomfortably close recording of Nathan's face. He squints at it, flicks the screen, then seemingly satisfied starts to talk.]

All right, so I have three questions for your weirdos. First off, what year is this supposed to be?

Second, what sort of shitty power is this? I know it isn't mine, because hello, A-list. And I think I might've remembered packing myself a bin bag of nothing, ditching my phone, and teleporting myself to the fuck end of nowhere.

[Nathan moves his arm further from his face, allowing the camera to see the face of the fountain centrepiece, which Nathan seems to be hanging off.]

Last question. What's the cheapest hotel you've got around here? You wouldn't believe how wet Medusa's getting here, and she's a little shy about getting it on in public if you know what I mean.

[And just in case anyone doesn't, he proceeds to dry hump the statue.]

Oh, Medusa! I don't think I can hold on much longer. Oh-- Shit!

[The last word has a genuine note of panic it it, and Nathan's eyes have widened. Luckily for everyone, balancing and holding out his arm to record this proves too much for Nathan. He slips, landing with a splash in the fountain. The feed cuts out.]

Comments

video;

[facilitated]

[ Let it be known that Laura is judging you so hard right now, stranger. ]

Uh, so are you always so freaking gross or are you just trying to make a name for yourself?

( audio )

[rigging]

Man, you suck at pleasuring a woman.

video;

[designedtoparty]

Gross? Are you saying my love for Medusa is wrong?

( audio )

[designedtoparty]

Tell that to Medusa. She loves every minute.

( audio )

[rigging]

Y'sure that's not just cause she's stoned?

( audio )

[designedtoparty]

She's always stoned. If anything it makes her appreciate my talents less.

( audio )

[rigging]

I dunno, I think your talents got the both of you pretty wet. Also, I got no idea what year it's supposed t'be, so there's that.

( audio )

[designedtoparty]

What can I say? She's very good with her hands. You might want to think about finding a fountain of your own.

[There's a pause as Nathan inspects his surroundings.]

I think I'm going to go with 1950. It seems shit enough, and I'm pretty sure that's when they invented video.

( audio )

[rigging]

[ He snorts. ] Yeah. I dunno, I think they did have phones. You been in a house yet? The phone in mine got ripped out.

What year are you from? You sound like. Irish.

Video

[shesamarshmallow]

Well, for some people, it's 2005. For others, 2007. For others, 2012. For others, it's after the apocalypse. Other people are kind of Victorian or something. So... what year do you want it to be?

All the places to stay are free, particularly if you want to live in a cardboard box in the woods. Welcome to the fuck end of nowhere.

Oh, and since you probably missed it, there's a mansion-type place in the woods. People aren't staying there because it's kind of far away from everything. But it's by far the best place in or around town. And again, free.

[enchangement]

Seventeen point thirty eight seconds.

No wonder you fell.

action:

[charring]

[Charlie's out, patrolling the place as she usually does. Never mind the fact that it's cold, she's wearing jeans and a t-shirt like it's a warm spring day.

When she spots the guy on the fountain, she watches long enough for him to start talking to others before she heads over, smirking. Congratulations, Nathan. You falling into the fountain almost got a laugh out of her. This means her tone is slightly less flat than usual.]

Nice entrance.

[magnets]

[ Heh heh heh. People falling is always priceless. ]

Wow, nice ride, man; I think my wheelchair-totin' granny lasts longer'n you do.

( audio )

[designedtoparty]

Well, yeah. It's 2080. There hasn't been a single person who isn't Irish in over fifty years.

To be honest with you it's been so long since we needed technology I'm not even sure what a phone is.

[ video ]

[foundacause]

Real classy entrance there, kid.

[thezerothlaw]

If you desire sexual release, I would think there are better and more appropriate means to achieve that.

Video

[designedtoparty]

Preferably a year where the fuck end of nowhere doesn't exist. Or at least one where cute, blonde girls aren't trying to entice me into weird, old mansions where I'll probably end up getting bum raped and murdered horribly. Possibly not even in that order.

Haven't you ever seen a horror movie?

[designedtoparty]

Hey, I was just getting started. I've got at least another ten minutes in me.

If you want I could even give you the full demonstration.

[enchangement]

Ten whole minutes, stars for garters.

[designedtoparty]

Your wheelchair-toting granny wouldn't last half that long. She probably hasn't got laid in so long she comes as soon as she gets a lift out of her chair.

Unless there's a reason you know so much about your grandma's sex life. In which case I'm pretty sure that's considered illegal. Not to mention cruel. How do you expect some poor old dear with no legs to fight you off? You are one sick man.

action:

[designedtoparty]

[Nathan returns the smirk, still dripping wet even after she's waited. He's possibly a little dryer. Maybe.]

So, are you looking for a repeat performance?

[ video ]

[designedtoparty]

Thank you. I thought I'd make an effort, seeing how I had Matilda there and everything.

Re: action:

[charring]

I'm not a huge fan of reruns. Thanks, though. [And because this place is her absolute favorite place to be.]

Welcome to an absolute shithole.

[ video ]

[foundacause]

Maybe for your next trick you could hold your head under the water for as long as you can, 'kay?

[designedtoparty]

Better and more appropriate than a reasonably attractive piece of rock? I don't know about you, mate, but my hand tends to start to get tired if I happen to have small dry spell.