cape_kore | Dean Winchester | 002 | Video

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Dean Winchester | 002 | Video | Day 64

[ Dean thought long and hard before he decided to do this, and even now he's not sure he should; half the people he remembers doing things to basically deserved it, but Chuck didn't, and that vampire guy with the rice didn't, and Cas... He's trying not to think about what he did to Cas. It's better that way. He's freaked that the whole trickster vibe went to his head the way it did, and he's freaked how quickly he settled right into it. The saddest, most pathetic freaking thing about it is that he can't remember being that happy in a long time.

Apologies aren't really... things... he likes to do, so he's not going to issue a general one. He's had a whole night to feel sick to his stomach, and he's spent most of today putting alcohol into that stomach, and now he's bolstered enough to sort of kind of vaguely dance around the idea that he's maybe kind of sorry for what he did.

He's sitting in the bar, and he reaches to pick up his beer again as he looks down into the feed. ]

Uh, so I'm guessing...

Everyone still here's back to normal now, huh? No more Freaky Friday?

[OOC: Still going to be glacially slow, but my slowness doesn't mean Dean can dodge IC consequences! ]

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You're wrong about this, Dean. My family isn't like yours. I don't matter to them the way you and Sam matter to each other.

[ He doesn't matter to anyone like that, but at least he and Anna are getting along well. He can't risk losing that, no when Dean doesn't seem to entirely want to stay now, either. That really stings after Dean had fought through Purgatory for him. He'd thought that Dean, of all people, would stick by him no matter what.

This is what he deserves, though, isn't it? This is why he'd stayed in Purgatory. Maybe he should tell the truth. He deserves the consequences. ]

[ The twisted up reason behind what Dean did to Cas comes back to the idea that Cas didn't want him to stay. Stay, help, keep him alive... sleep with him. Obviously, Dean gets it now, but at the time -- and god, is it weird revisiting the way his mind was hopped up on trickster -- it felt like abandonment. Even now, actually, Dean feels a little... He gets what crazy!him was thinking. Kind of.

Of course, he was totally bonkers and it's bizarre and uncomfortable and he's glad that Cas didn't let him, but then the other side of the coin is that he can still feel the way he felt then, and it'd hurt. It'd felt like Sam or his dad or anyone else pushing him away when he could help; it'd felt like being told he wasn't wanted. Stupid now. He knows that. ]

Well... Maybe you guys can work it out. Give 'em time to deal. D'you think they'll... Raphael beat you up. D'you think they're going to come after you?

I don't know.

[ He honestly doesn't care, so long as they don't come after Dean or Meg. They're welcome to come after him, because he deserves whatever he gets.

He doesn't see what he did as rejecting Dean, but as protecting him from a mistake that he had no control over. Dean, though... Dean had certainly rejected him. He'd laughed in Castiel's face, said he was hung-up on Dean and truthfully, maybe he is.

Before that change, he never would have thought of Dean like that, but now he couldn't quite cut out the idea of him like that any more than he could cut out the idea of Meg. Both images float around in his mind when he lets it wander. Those and the images of himself, broken and wanting, beneath him.

He doesn't have any driving need for sex, but all the same, he thinks it might be a nice thing to experience while actually himself and not Emmanuel--with the right people, of course. ]

I won't let them hurt you, Dean.

[ He's not sure what he can do to stop them, but he will stand between them if he has to. They'll have to kill him first and it's... okay if they do. ]

[ That hadn't been Dean. Okay, most of his time as a trickster had been some twisted, bizarro version of him; all the dark parts of him he'd been trying to control came out to play, and that day in Cas's room? That'd been some of the darkest for sure. That nightmare version of him was designed to be just that -- a nightmare, a vision of him saying all the things he knew would tear Cas apart. How he knew that Cas would be most hurt by the implication that he might be too hung up on Dean is... a minor thing compared with every other shitty thing he had that nightmare say to him.

What's he supposed to do with Cas offering to protect him, when he just said he's worried about his family ditching him, with all the shit Dean put him through? Cas should be the first freaking name on the list of people who want Dean's head on a platter. But he isn't. ]

Are you sure you don't want to help them out? [ He doesn't quite sound as together as he did a second ago. ] It might be a bonding experience for you guys.

[ He's not seriously turning down Cas's help because wow, he does not want to be tortured by angels, but he is asking why Cas is even here. Why he's talking to Dean. Deep down, he knows, but he also maybe wants to hear it. He doesn't think for a second that he's forgiven, but he wants to hear where Cas is right now. ]

Stop. Stop talking, Dean.

[ If he sounds pained, it's only because he is. Dean's words and actions had hurt him, yes, but nothing matters without Dean. Nothing. After everything they've gained and lost, all the sacrifices, he won't lose Dean.

He didn't come when Dean prayed to him in Purgatory and he knows he's let Dean down several times over, but he doesn't want to do that anymore. ]

Just... stop. That's not happening.

[ How many times has Castiel died for Dean? How may more has he risked death? He'll keep doing that until Dean is truly safe or Castiel is dead. ]

I mean it, Cas. I know what I did to them, and I know what I... what I did to you, and I'm kind of wondering why you haven't punched me in the face yet.

[ Not threatened to kill or anything, not like the others, but at least a punch, right? At least more of that throwing Dean's words in his face, at least more being angry because Dean deserves that and more from Cas.

The others he couldn't give two fucks about.

He'd been prepared -- no wait, he really hadn't been prepared for the idea that Cas really would be done with Dean, really would've dropped him, but that's what he'd been afraid of. Now that he hasn't, now that they've had the conversation they've had, he gets why not. The connection he and Cas have had since the start is bizarrely strong, and so they're still here.

Maybe this is just how he's trying to apologize. Telling Cas it's okay to let him have it. ]

Maybe I'm waiting until you don't expect it.

[ But it's not really Castiel's style, is it? Dean hurt him and part of him understands why someone else might lash out, but he won't. He does't think he'd lash out against anyone, but even if he would, not Dean.

He remembers what it feels like to shove Dean into a wall and hit him and if Dean had done something like that, Castiel would gladly beat him bloody again, but Castiel's own feelings aren't worth that. ]

Dean, don't do anything stupid. I'll do my best to keep you safe. Meg, too. We may need to consider angel-proofing the house, though.

[ Which means Castiel will have to stay somewhere else. ]

[ Is that a joke? He takes Cas at his word for a few seconds until he starts to rethink and wonder if he's kidding. Cas jokes more now, but Dean still thinks... he should really mean what he said. He'll leave it alone if they're going to start talking strategy now. He tried, he said his piece, and okay, so the words I'm sorry didn't come out, but Cas has to know. Dean told him to let him have it. ]

What about you? Where are you going to go? [ He stops, frowning. ] And what's that going to do to other you?

I don't sleep and the other... me should be fine through the wards, but we can check.

[ Castiel doesn't need a home, not really. He can spend his time outside. They can still use the network to speak if Dean's in the house where it's safe. It just makes sense. ]

[ He knows it's what he has to do, but it's still shutting Cas out of his house because Dean was a dick. ]

Alright. [ It also occurs to him that now he'll have the house to himself with Meg and other Cas. Awesome. ]

We gotta come up with something to call him other than "other you."

You'll have to ask him.

[ Maybe he's the other one. Maybe this Castiel can be the one that he can't. He seems much more human than Castiel is and not just in his lack of angelic power. He's clearly more emotional, more impulsive. He might be the Castiel Dean and Meg would prefer. ]

[ There's no replacement for Cas in Dean's life. Bobby once said he was the only friend Dean had, and it was true at the time, and even now when Dean feels like he could call a few more people friends, Cas is still something... else. The nightmare vision of the future where Dean was treating Cas like bait, taking advantage of his loyalty, throwing him into a suicide mission on purpose is scary to think about. It makes Dean want to fix the mistakes his other self made, to be the person he should be for that other Cas.

It's different with this Cas, his Cas. He's seen him go through so much, and Dean just wants to help fix him too, but he doesn't actually think he can do that anymore. The whole thing with Cas staying behind in Purgatory pretty much drove that point home. He's not sure what he can do but be there for him, waiting for him to ask Dean for help.

And hadn't Dean told Cas that he never wanted him to change? The other Cas is more human, yeah, but that doesn't mean that's better. Really, that makes the whole thing that much more... sad. His Cas has gone through a lot of changes, but he still feels like Cas. The other one, not so much. ]

Yeah, I guess. [ He chews his lip. ] Let's just angel proof my room. [ With all of this going on, he'd rather have Cas close. Just... because. ]

Are you sure?

[ He doesn't like the idea of Dean being vulnerable in the rest of the house and he's not sure if he's selfish enough to prioritize being close to Dean over Dean being safe. He's certainly selfish enough to want to, but that's different.

He does want to be as close to Dean as he can be, though. That much he can easily admit, even if he knows that Dean will never let him be as close as he thinks he might want to be. ]

It won't be as safe for any of you.

[ But Castiel will stay nearby and he always listens for Dean's prayers. Always, even when he can't or won't come, he hears them. ]

[ That is a concern, but he doesn't think Raphael or Gabriel would do anything to the other Cas, and Meg can take care of herself, by which he means his caring meter is hovering between "doesn't care at all" and "genuinely believes she's fine." ]

Yeah. I mean, what're they gonna do, stand outside my door and wait? I'll work it out.

[ Because Dean doesn't want to be far from Cas. That'd been what he thought he wanted, when he thought he wouldn't be able to look at Cas again. He still isn't looking at him technically, but they're talking and things are normal, and he just wants to keep Cas near him because he's done his praying to Cas. He's done a lot of it, and he's ready to actually have him. ]

Maybe this'll keep them busy anyway. They won't have time to be upset with you.

I'd much rather they come after me than you.

[ Castiel has at least a scrap of a chance. They could kill Dean easily and then where will Castiel be? His will to go on is stronger than it was when he pushed Dean through that portal in Purgatory, but only just so. He knows what he deserves and what keeps him going is knowing that Dean's here. Dean and Meg. They're what keep him from giving up completely.

He wants to see Dean, but he's not sure that he's ready for Dean to see him. He can't tell where Dean is, though. Not after he re-carved those sigils on his ribs. ]

Where are you? Are you safe?

Uh... [ He twists to look around him. Maybe he ought to... add some... sigils to the windows in the bar. The whole thing makes him sick, though. He's still reeling from everything he did, even if the jerkfaces deserved it, and that added the fuel to the fire that Dean let himself and then kept stoking. If these little bastards kill him now, here, he's going to be so freaking pissed. ]

The bar. They haven't found me yet. So far, so good, right?

Right.

[ Castiel appears just outside the bar, but he's afraid to go in, even invisible. He's faced certain death time and time again, but for some reason, being in a room with his friend makes him panic.

The line's still open, but he goes quiet. ]

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Dean Winchester | 002 | Video | Day 64

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