audio | forward dated a bit to day 66

[rigging]

[ It's early in the morning. Before most humans should really be awake, honestly. So that's why maybe it's surprising when the communicator, and by extension, the network, catches the sudden panicked inhale of breath and the panic that follows. There's a good minute of rustling and noises that sound a little like whimpers before the sound settles down.

And then it's quiet. A beat. Another, then: ] Fuck, where --

[ That is definitely a familiar voice. Deep breath. Slow exhale - and the recording cuts off in the middle. ]

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[nedofpies]

[ Even through the haze of his own unhappiness, Ned notices a pattern developing, in Jesse's refusal to say Ghoul's name. He can't blame him, but it still hurts to notice, to realize how frightened and upset he must still be. Ned tells himself that the least he can do is try to be here for Jesse in the future. Try to help him feel safe, to make him safe. ]

[ From the sound of Jesse' pep talk, measured as his voice is, Ned can tell he knows what he's talking about. Apparently this is another thing the two of them have in common. Ned's seen rock bottom - or some version of it - and he knows how long that climb can take. In a way, he is still climbing it. That's his problem. But if not blaming himself is what Jesse wants... the least he can do is try. ]

Okay.

[ After the incident with Daneel, Ned is even more on his guard than usual; when Jesse leans in to kiss his head, he spots the movement out of the corner of his eye. He jerks away in time to avoid the contact, but he doesn't do it all that subtly. It startles a soft, involuntary, and undeniably frightened gasp out of him: the kind you'd expect from someone who looks down to spot a snake slithering inches away from their bare foot. The motion carries him out of Jesse's grip entirely and he shudders, hands clenching into fists at his side. ]

[ Ned knows how obvious his recoil was, but he insists on pretending that nothing happening, saying with utterly transparent lightness ] We should keep walking. [ He needs to get Jesse back home, back to his real friends who can comfort him without making spectacles out of themselves. ]

[rigging]

[ It surprises him, and Jesse pulls back quickly, looking a little stung. There doesn't need to be a reason for it, Jesse doesn't need to know why he pulled away, just that he shouldn't have done it, it made Ned uncomfortable or afraid, and he won't do it again. Jesse shoves his hands into his pockets and stays out of Ned's way, eyes on the ground. Keep walking. Right.

He falls silent, stomach churning again, guilt from all directions crowding in around his ears. He'll follow Ned wherever he leads. ]

[nedofpies]

[ He can see that he's hurt Jesse, which is the absolute last thing he wants, right now. It's no better than what happened with Daneel. He keeps hurting the people he cares about, and he can't seem to stop it from happening. The two of them walk in silence for a few paces before Ned breaks: ]

I'm sorry.

[ Jesse will know what he means. He should say more, maybe. Not a lot, but enough to explain. But he's saved by the sound of Kenzi's voice coming over Jesse's communicator, and he lets himself fall back a pace or two. Still there. Still watching for threats and keeping Jesse safe, but not hovering as much as he was before. He's glad they are nearly back. Kenzi will be able to take proper care of Jesse. Won't add salt to the wound. ]