video | 005

[magnets]

Sunuva- bitch.

[ The camera goes all screwy as Jesse pushes himself up, sits back on his knees and sweeps his hands off on each other. He doesn't seem to notice the camera's even on as he paws at himself and finally stands, swearing a few times under his breath as he does. Idly beats some gravel off his jeans. He sounds dumbfounded when he finally speaks again. ] I'm back here.

[ And the camera turns with him, a few confused steps before he throws his arms out to both sides, an irritated kind of shrug. ] I'm back- here. [ And his hand raises again, so he can first tap a finger against the screen, and then slap an angry palm against it a few times. He repeats, ] Sunuvabitch.

[ Then he finally fiddles with the buttons, intending to turn on the communicator, but, ] oh, [ it's already on. ] Ya wanna clue me in here? [ He glances around the area. ] Yo, anyone still out there?

Comments

[magnets]

But why your dad, what's- [ And Jesse keeps looking at him and furrows further, questioningly, shakes his head a little. Is he allowed in here? Finch is the one opening up the venue for questioning and Jesse doesn't really understand, no, but asking still feels a little too close to home. But they're already entrenched in the shit here, right? Why stop now? ]

[ Didn't want him knowing where he worked, that's- ] Why's he the one leadin' to everything?

[rigging]

[ Apparently the mix of alcohol and weed is enough to make him talk about this. He doesn't look at Pinkman, just keeps his eyes on the ceiling. ]

Cause he was a shit. [ Jesse says quickly. Like his father's in the room with him, like he needs to get it out before he can be stopped. ] Cause he didn't want me, and I ain't good enough. You spend enough time havin' someone tell you everything y'do is wrong, everything you are is wrong, you'd fucking --

[ And he stops again, taking a deep breath, kneading at his face with the heels of his palms. ]

[magnets]

- You kinda snap. [ Jesse finishes the thought off for him instead, and the tone in his voice is too knowing for him to not have shared the sentiment. He eyes Finch carefully before his gaze drops a little, thinking. He takes another pretty sizable swig off the bottle of vodka, pulling a face again as he leans back. He sniffs, pinches at his nose and shakes his head a little before he speaks up again. ] Jeez, sounds like your old man was a good time.

[rigging]

[ It's the kind of laugh that you hear when you know someone's trying to stop themselves from getting upset, and Jesse drops his hands, taking another deep breath. ]

Yeah. Yeah, real laugh, that guy. [ He offers the weed back to Pinkman - the vodka's better for talking. He doesn't look, still. ] World's got plenty of kids that're mad at their dads, their parents, they write fuckin' rock songs and books about it, real positive outlets - and then you got people like me.

[ He sniffs, once. ] ... People like us. If m'hearing right.

[magnets]

People like us.

[ Jesse's face screws up again, an unsure sort of expression that he rides out by tilting his head back and forth - rolls it in a circle to try to crack some of the tension - and weighing his options. Because it's not a hundred percent of his actual parents, no. Is he relating plenty to other people right now? You bet your ass. But Mr. White came later, and Mr. White was most certainly not his fucking father. ]

Nah. [ He finally turns it down, haltingly, with a small shake of his head, his thumbs playing around with the ridges in the water bottle instead. ] Nah, I mean. My parents just didn't care after a while.

[rigging]

[ He curls into the couch. ] It's shitty. Y'know? [ He says. ] Both of us, died and saw death, parents gave up. [ He sniffs out a little laugh. ] Sorry. Sorry.

[magnets]

[ Jesse's jaw hangs open a tick and immediately works in a circle, discomfort with the statement reading all across his face but he doesn't say a thing about it, just keeps playing with the bottle. ]

Think we had it comin' to us?

[rigging]

Probably. [ Jesse mumbles, pressing his face into the couch as well. ] I did. Maybe not you s'much. Some kids're just born with more sin than others.

[magnets]

I dunno, man, I was a little shit; I was probably askin' for it.

[ He says with a half a laugh, even if he feels drained out by now, feels awfully tired from the conversation and everything he's already let loose - hey, what's a little more? ]

Nah, my li'l bro. He's the golden boy. Got all his shit right in a row. [ He rolls the bowl over, distracted, before he props it up again, intends to take another draw. ] Maybe I oughta take it from his example.

[rigging]

[ Jesse feels the same, feels like all his vital organs have been pulled out, but - whatever. He's on his way to pretty fucking wasted and he doesn't care anymore. ]

Little brother, huh? [ Jesse hums. ] Nah. Nah, I mean - hey, my opinion? Y'gotta get away from this shit. It's gonna kill you and I ain't - gonna put up with that. [ A beat. ] Take from his example there, I'd say? But you're probably less annoying than he is, so.

[ Mutters: ] Always hated the perfects. Never got that spark.

[magnets]

[ Jesse pauses with the bottle to his mouth, glances over at Finch for a few long seconds and kind of studies him. He doesn't make a comment back about what Finch is saying to him, but he's clearly soaking it in, turns away after a while to hang his head a little and think over what he's going to say next. ]

Nah, he's a good kid. [ He admits with some conflict, but he still admits. ] Got all these trophies and everything. I'm proud of 'im. [ He flicks the lighter again then, takes his last draw and sits back as he digs the heel of his hand into his forehead. Christ, his head was pounding. ] Got any siblings?

[rigging]

[ Jesse's got his eyes closed, so he doesn't see Pinkman, but he hrms again, lazily. ] Nope. Only child. Thank fuck. [ Not because he doesn't want a sibling. Because he doesn't want another kid to go through what he did. ] Always wanted one, though.

[magnets]

[ 'Thank fuck' and 'always wanted one', they don't match up. Jesse's not an idiot, he catches onto those little details that Finch throws out, but it's not really his place to ask. He still watches him for a moment or two, that puzzled kind of look to his expression. ] Kind of a mixed bag, you get your ups and downs. I mean, Jake's younger than me, like, way younger, more than ten years, but-

[ He leans forward again, onto his knees. ] I don't know, I just remember when I was comin' up, twelve, thirteen, and there was just- this new little thing, this tiny little baby in the house and I didn't know what to do with it for a while. I wasn't jealous, not at first, cuz I was too busy carryin' him around all the time like- yo, this is my brother, ya know? My own thing I thought I got all to myself.

[ He nods, sucks briefly at the web between his thumb and his index finger as he thinks. ] It's a cool feeling, if ya can make it last.

[rigging]

[ Jesse grins a little at that. In that same lazy way, he looks back over at Pinkman, wrinkling his nose. ] Guess so. I used t'see other kids walkin' round with their siblings and get all jealous. If I knew you then I probly woulda asked if I could hold 'im.

[ Thirteen was an awful age for him. With a little sigh, he brings his fingers up to his mouth, gnawing at them and his sleeves absently. ] Got brothers as I got older. Like - friends, though. Not legit family.

[magnets]

Oh yeah? [ He looks up at Finch and then back down to the lighter in his hand, flicks it on a few times and teases his finger through the flame. ] Family you pick up's better sometimes. [ Yeah, sometimes. ] Water's thicker than blood, am I right? [ that is not at all how that saying goes ]

[ He pauses a moment before his eyebrows furrow again, and then, ] Yeah, yeah, like the guy you mentioned. [ He looks up again, a little cautiously. ] Friend'a yours? Dried you out.

[rigging]

[ He laughs a little at that. ] Yeah. Yeah - water's thicker'n blood. [ In this case, anyway. He continues to gnaw at his fingers, glancing at Pinkman. ] But - yeah, that's the one. Jon. [ He pulls his knees up to his chest, looking all the world like a little kid. ] Emmett, too. Galen. But I guess he's less a brother, though.

Friends I got here, too, getting there. I don't gotta be so scared, here. [ He says it absently, chewing on his thumb. ]

[magnets]

Ay, [ he points vaguely at Finch at the mention of Galen, ] still counts.

[ He keeps biting at himself, all agitated-like. Jesse almost wants to make a deal of it, his eyes flicker over Finch's hands briefly, but he doesn't say yet. ]

Scared, wh- [ He gives a half a laugh, scratching at the side of the head. Because he gets it, he does, and there was a reason he had a gun stuck down the back of his pants when he showed up here, for Christ's sake. But why the hell does Finch get it? ] Why? I mean, there's fuckin' tigers in the woods.

[rigging]

[ Honestly, he almost doesn't realize he's doing it until he bites too hard. With a hiss, he pulls his finger back, shaking it, frowning at it, and dropping it to his side. ]

I - dunno, I mean, I guess I don't have t'worry about people. [ Finch hedges. ] Tigers ain't half s'scary as people back home. Y'know - you know? [ He rolls a little, half flopped off the couch, groping for the bottle. More more more. ] If the tigers find out m'dating a dude, they're gonna just - eat me, all the same, right? [ He laughs a little, a humorless thing. ]

[magnets]

Stop- [ he cuts off a beat to swat at the air near Finch, ] -chewin' at yourself, wouldja? You're makin' my hands hurt.

[ People, yeah. Because people are scary motherfuckers and Jesse's seen firsthand what a whole lot of them can do, spent enough time splattered in blood and locked in trunks and with fucking guns pointed at him, yeah. ] I guess. [ He concedes at first, his thumb worrying along the edge of his lip as he thinks. It's after a long pause that he works it out, tigers and all, and he doesn't look up at Finch when he guesses: ] Your family?

[rigging]

[ Okay, okay! He'll stop. For a minute, anyway.

He gets his hands on that bottle and he takes a long drink. Thing's going to be empty in a minute, here. Satisfied, Jesse settles on the edge of the couch. ] Family, yeah. Just the - just the one, my dad? Makes all these -- I mean. [ He's drunk but even with that, he's not so sure about saying it. He doesn't want to make Pinkman feel bad. Bringing his fingers up to his mouth, he gnaws at them again. ] Comments. [ He finishes lamely. ] He'd hate me more. Negative numbers.

[magnets]

Wouldja- [ He does reach out this time and grabs for Finch's sleeve, tries to tug his hand away from his mouth. ]

[ But he's listening, he is, even if he's not entirely sure what to say right off the bat. He gets condescension, especially from the parents - maybe - there's a tone in Finch's voice that kinda makes him feel like the story's not over yet - but dating a dude ain't exactly in the same ballpark as being a drug dealer. So maybe he's not sure he gets it. ] Dad's a real hardass, huh?

[rigging]

[ WAH. Pinkman grabs his sleeve, and Finch very nearly flails his hand in response, almost ends up punching Pinkman in the jaw on accident. But he doesn't, just - okay! Okay. No more chewing. ]

Uhm. [ He sniffs, rolling on his back, staring up at the ceiling. ] Yeah. [ He laughs a little. ] He'd - when I was little he'd talk about me gettin' a wife for myself, or - whatever. Doesn't actually know I got like, relations, with a dude, he can't, 'cause I mean, I'd cry as a teenager and he'd call me a faggot, right? So. [ He's resisting the urge to chew on his fingers again. Badly. ] Can't imagine what'd he do if he actually knew.

[magnets]

[ Jesse can't help it, he's kind of in over his head where this topic's concerned. Shit father figures? Yeah, he can advise on. He's got plenty of experience where that topic's concerned. ]

[ But that's not all there is here, and it makes him wipe a hand over his mouth, thoughtfully. Hell, it just sounds like Jesse's friends back home to him, but that's Finch's fucking dad. And half of him doesn't know why Finch didn't just- date a girl instead if he likes them, like that's so hard, and he almost says as much. But it's Galen. ]

Well, he can shove it up his ass! [ is apparently what he decides on ] You're, like, way into him, right? Galen? You two're- you know, happy. Kinda stickin' it to the man without actually stickin' it to the man.

[rigging]

[ That - surprises him, actually, and Jesse glances over at Pinkman, expression reflecting that. It works a half-smile out of him. ] ... Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

[ He looks back up at the ceiling. ] Guess so. I mean - I wouldn't. I wasn't gonna give Galen up. If he ever found out. He'd just, he'd - do his best t'make my life shit if he knew. Y'know, go back t'coming over and trying to, y'know - trying to beat the girl out of me? [ He snort-laughs at that, rubbing at his face. ] He used t'do that, and - he'd try again and I'd let 'im do it.

[magnets]

[ It's kind a blow, to hear something he sort of suspected out loud like that. Jesse's dealt with a lot, sure, but that's not one of the things he's had to experience, thank God. It had been a shock to his system enough when his mother had slapped him, for Christ's sake. ]

[ His fingers nervously trace his lip as he takes another look at Finch, peers at him for a few long seconds before he speaks up, and when he does, it's really all he knows how to manage: ] I'm sorry.