cape_kore | Dean Winchester | 006 | Day 95, private audio to Charlie Bradbury

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Dean Winchester | 006 | Day 95, private audio to Charlie Bradbury

[ Dean gives himself a couple of days to figure out what he should do and how he should approach this situation with Cas. Is it a situation? It's not even really an incident, just a couple of dreams and then some light... cuddling... but it's very un-situational, and that's sort of the problem. Maybe. He thinks. It could be the problem. If it is a problem, he might want to do something to make it into a situation. Maybe.

The problem is that maybe because Dean isn't... He's totally into chicks. But he's also totally into Cas, and that's big enough that he's pretty sure he's been running away from the idea of it even being possible for a long time. He needs to talk to someone who he can trust, someone who can help him figure out if this is... if he is... okay.

So he calls Charlie. What else is a lesbian little sister for, right? ]

Hey. I need to talk to you. [ He tries to infuse all his usual brusqueness into his voice, but it's fragile. ]

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[ charlie's every day isn't much to phone home about. her schedule is lax and even if she's getting more and more used to the idea of being left on this island for who knows how long, she doesn't go out much. not unless she has a reason, and that reason is really hot (see: quite a few ladies on this cape dayum). but what this all really means is that when charlie gets this message, she's sitting around her room. bored.

it also means that the moment she hears dean's voice, she's pretty sure something's up. not necessarily wrong, but up. ]

Uh- [ yeah, good start there charlie. a+ ] I mean, yeah. Sure. Definitely. Where do you wanna meet up?

Your place. [ Anywhere public, they could be overheard, and he's not ready for that. Hell, he hasn't even said anything out loud to himself yet. ]

Be there in five.

[ He knocks on the door to her house before he tries to open it. He didn't even think to ask if she was at home first. ]

Charlie?

[ charlie just barely gets out a nod before she's closing up the device and putting on pants. after her run-in with dirk, she has very much waited until he leaves to go pants-less, but now that dean is back those things gotta go back on.

she's standing right behind the door when he knows, though, a little anxious at what's made him so anxious. it's one and a half knocks before she's got it open, confused expression at all. ]

Hey- is everything okay? [ oh, right, manners... ] Oh, uh, come on in.

[ Are things okay? Things are weird. He doesn't think they're bad, which is... something, like actually something, but he wouldn't say they're good yet.

So he's glad she invites him in instead of letting that question hang so he can snap his jaw shut and come inside. He rubs his hands together, then lets them go and brings them back. ]

I just had a question. I needed to talk to you about a... thing. [ He clears his throat and darts his eyes away from hers, looking around her place instead. ]

A, um. [ Charlie might recognize Dean's face right now as the facial equivalent of the rainbow loading wheel on a Mac. ]

A... gay... thing. [ There. ]

[ she can tell he has issues with the okay question, so bringing him in was the next step. in, and into the living room kitchen area where there are sort-of places to sit, and then the ball is in dean's court.

so charlie sits, and waits, and watches his face like she watches a screen when she's waiting for a program to load.

and when she gets her answer? there's a moment when she's not quite sure she heard him right. ] A gay thing.

[ and okay, well, whatever. charlie can roll with it. not like she hasn't had this conversation eight hundred times over with little teenagers on her online forums experimenting around. ]

Okay. What about it?

[ Okay, come on. He can do this. He's literally been to hell and back, and he can have this conversation.

He just needs to figure out where best to have it. Standing? Sitting? He should take a few moments to stand there awkwardly and decide, and then he quickly sits, leaning forward on his knees.

No, wait, that's not comfortable. He sits up straighter.

Nope, wait, the reason he isn't comfortable has nothing to do with how he's sitting. He leans forward again. ]

It's just that Alfie was asking me questions and I didn't know how to answer them. [ Did he just blurt that lie? He sure did just blurt that lie. He covers it up with a smooth and charming smile. ]

[ charlie watches, fairly amused, at how uncomfortable dean is acting right now. with this and how awkward he'd been walking in, she's already got an idea of what this is supposed to be about.

which is also why when alfie is mentioned, charlie just kind of blinks.

uh-huh, okay dean. ]

What kind of questions?

[ He's not so delusional that he doesn't know the Alfie thing is paper thin and pretty much DOA as far as cover stories go. Doesn't matter. He'll hold onto it. Baby steps, right? ]

Just how do you know if... I mean, say you're all one way, but you notice... I mean, everyone notices, right? [ Right? Please tell him he's right. His eyes are pleading with her to give him some reassurance, even if he's guessing that the answer isn't what he's believed for most of his life. ]

[ dean you can old onto whatever paper thin stories you want to hold onto. charlie is a little more onto you than that. ]

Well yeah. But it's a different kind of notices. [ oh man are we about to get serious with feelings here dean because she thinks we are. ] You can platonically appreciate people for their appearances. Wanting to screw them is a different story, though. There's that whole sexual switch that goes off in your head and usually it's just for one half of the population.

Sexuality is seriously fluid, though. I wouldn't say everyone is always only one way all the time. Or even for their whole life. [ have a nonchalant shrug at that one, bro. ] There was a point in time when fifteen year old me would totally have banged Harrison Ford, but that was a long time ago.

[ He makes a whole face thing when she talks about wanting to screw people, and then he looks away quickly. Is that what it is? Okay, yeah, he wants to kiss Cas but he also wants to... kiss Cas in the... not pay-off way. Maybe that's why he's finally sitting up and noticing.

She gets him back when she says it's possible to change during your life, and then she has to go and mention Harrison Ford. Oh come on. That one's easy! ]

Yeah, but who wouldn't want to bang Harrison Ford? I mean, he's been on my list of celebrities you get freebies for since I first made a list. I don't think he counts.

Some people are just hot, and you -- you think that it would be fun to... [ He deflates a little. ] Seriously, that's not everyone?

No, that's everyone. In a way.

[ charlie makes a face because it's so much easier to talk sexuality when she's behind a keyboard and can edit what she says, jesus christ. okay dean, she needs to take a breath and back up again. ]

There's just different kind of feelings, I guess. You can be sexually attracted to one or both or all or no types, and you can fall in love with one or both or all or none. Being gay or being straight, or bi or pan or a or whatever you want to include in this, is about your sexual drive. Hormones and phermones and wanting to do that kind of thing with someone.

But actually liking someone? Like, beyond just sex, is different. [ and this is when she's going to give dean that serious look. ] You're asking about how you know, right? If you're gay, or maybe bi, or whatever? You know because you want to have that kind of relationship - either sexual or not. Technically the labels are more about sexual urges and I prescribe more to falling in love with a personality and not a gender, but that gets into a whole other can or worms.

I like girls. Penises freak me out - no offense, but they kind of do. But I also only really consider myself gay because if I ever saw myself falling in love with someone? It'd probably be a girl, because I'd want to have that deeper connection with her.

[ a beat, to let that sink in. ]

Why?

Pans? [ He's listening, he really is, and that's where the question comes from. People are into pans? Is that a thing? Is that why people are freaking out about people marrying dogs or whatever if gay marriage is legalized?

What, he does pay attention.

And, right, he's paying attention now. The serious look she throws his way has him squirming and looking away from her because that's -- pretty much -- that's it, isn't it? Nail on the head. No matter what else he is or might be or might have been, right now, he knows what he feels and what he wants. Sort of. Well, as much as he ever has when it comes to this.

Most of the awkwardness has slipped away, leaving Dean's emotions far more stripped down than he would like to leave them usually. But this is Charlie. He could try to stuff that all back inside when she prompts him again, but instead he makes the decision not to, and to leave his expression open still. ]

Some... things have happened. With, um. With Cas. [ So the Alfie story's out the window, if it ever even really got inside the window in the first place. ]

Always in some kind of -- The first time he was an incubus, so that doesn't even... Except I was really mad that he didn't want to -- But I was a terrible trickster. Like, a real douchebag, so I don't know how much you can trust that.

Pansexual, Dean, it's like- actually. Nevermind. Doesn't really matter.

[ because who needs technical labels when you're on a creepy horror cape in an alternate universe. if this was on tumblr, she'd explain it, but for now he'll just have to be happy with what he gets.

but besides that, charlie's just listening. she's listening because she knows this has to be awkward for him, has to feel weird and off and honestly, she's a little surprised he's talking about it. to her, to anyone...surprised, and a little proud.

she might not know him well enough to know how hard that open expression must be for him, but she knows how hard this kind of topic is for anyone, so she nods.

the cas bit? doesn't surprise her. not like carver edlund was trying to hide anything with his subtext. ]

But it's still there. [ a beat, before she realizes that might not make a lot of sense. ] I mean, you're still noticing. [ and then? she shrugs. ] Whatever kind of...whatever you were, does it really matter? Cas is important to you. You two have been through hell and back, literally. It makes sense.

[ Of course he'd talk to her. Who else would he talk to about this that's here? Hell, even out of the people who aren't here, she's who he'd go to first. One, she's Charlie, and two, she's already gay and really great at it. You can be good at being gay, right? She's gotta be one of the best. If Dean was going to be like, completely abandon the chicks gay, he'd want to be cool at it like Charlie.

She doesn't even miss a beat, does she? He just -- comes out with all that, and she keeps on going with everything and says it even makes sense? Whoa, whoa. ]

So I tell you I'm going gay for Cas and you... don't even blink? [ He's acting offended, but this is actually a crucial point.

And beyond that, he does hear what she said. He is still noticing. He can feel how warm Cas had felt against his side when Dean read him to sleep. That hadn't been in a dream. ]

[ she will teach you, young obi wan. first lesson: stop freaking out about it. charlie just kind of watches him, actually slightly amused when he looks so offended. but then she shrugs. ]

Nope. Not like it matters either way. Besides, have you read those Carver Edlund books? It's not like it's out of nowhere. [ but then she stops, and just sort of smiles at him. if she was standing next to him, she might have bumped elbows with him. ]

Dude, I wouldn't really care if you decided to exclusively date slices of pie. As long as that's what you want, and it makes you happy.

[ What does she mean it's all over Chuck's books is the first passionate, defensive response that bubbles up, but before Dean can really finish thinking it all the way through, he realizes... oh. She means the part where Cas and Dean really were building up to being a thing. Right. That's... in the books and in their lives. It's a real thing. Apparently.

Holy crap. It's a real thing.

He nods, hearing her acceptance but not even able to... Wow. He needs... He needs to... ]

Hey, you got anything to drink? [ T-minus never to not freaking out about this anymore, though potential alcohol will help. ]

[ welp, what's said it said, and if anything charlie would rather be honest than have him find out some other way.

~~becky~~. ]

Drink? [ charlie actually looks around like she expects to have some, before she remembers where they are. ] Just ran out. [ a.k.a. no she's never had any. ] There's some at Ellen's bar, though. If you want to go grab some?

No. [ He's too quick with that. ]

No, I... If this comes up again, I'd rather... not... yet. [ He needs time to put this all together in his head. And he should probably talk to Cas before he talks about this with anyone else. ]

The diner. I keep some there.

Sounds okay to me.

[ cause really? now that she thinks about it heading on over to the harvelle bar probably wasn't the best idea she's had. oh well. ]

But you're okay with this, right? [ SUDDEN RETURN TO CONVERSATION ] I mean the whole uncovering your sexuality thing.

[ No, but he was so close to deflecting and ignoring!

He opens his mouth, but he doesn't have any words ready yet, and he holds his hands up and shrugs. ]

I don't know. Maybe. More okay than I would've been before purgatory, before losing him again. That guy can't stay alive for more than a few months at a time. [ Making a joke out of it makes it easy, or easier. There's truth in there, though. Dean's had plenty of experiences with dying and with everyone around him dying, but something about purgatory was different. Maybe because he felt so raw there, but he doesn't feel like he's looking at a fresh start. Maybe just a change of perspective. ]

I guess now it just feels like... If this is something, then we're wasting time.

Sounds like someone else I know.

[ which is said in the most fond, adoring way someone can talk about multiple deaths, but seriously dean you have a problem. charlie just kind of continues to watch dean's face for a bit, though. she can see something there, something he's obviously trying to hide or cover up, she just doesn't know what it is exactly.

this is much easier with a third person omniscient narrator. ]

Like you're wasting time doing something about it? Or not doing something?

[ In Dean's opinion Cas has the bigger problem because Dean's always been on the sidelines picking up the pieces of what's left of him -- sometimes literally -- and it all feels like way too much. ]

Wasting time not doing something. Who knows when someone'll come along and blow him to bits again, or when he'll... [ Run off and leave Dean again. He ducks his head and shrugs. ]

We're both stuck here now. Might as well... give it a shot. [ He looks up, almost confused, looking to her for validation. ] Right? Charlie, I don't know what I'm doing here. The last time I tried this with anyone, it was Lisa and it was... [ His throat bobs as he swallows down some emotion. ] It didn't end good. It never does. But I don't know, maybe... maybe Cas could be different because he's already in this life.

[ and that's exactly what charlie wanted to hear. that's exactly how she wants his mentality to go and when he looks at her, she just smiles. ]

Hey- hey man. [ charlie reaches out and grabs his arm. just a reassuring kind of touch. ] You've got this chance, might as well go pedal to the metal. You'll figure it out. You always do.

[ and when she does finally drop her hand, it's another shrug from her. this is all chill, dean. charlie's just trying to make sure he realizes that this is completely normal and nothing to freak out about. ] You and Cas have been together - not together together but you know what I mean - for longer than you have anyone else except Sam. Whether this happens or not, you're not going to break whatever it is you two have. So you might as well try.

I figure out how to kill monsters. This isn't one of the things I'm good at figuring out. [ Especially since it took him this long at all to have this conversation when he knows he's been shoving aside stuff like this for way longer than he's known Cas. Cas just woke it all up again and made it hard to ignore. No, made it so he didn't want to ignore it anymore.

And it was so easy to confide in her, easier than he thought, and she gave him just the advice he needed to hear. Now he's feeling all mushy about her, on top of everything else. He tries to fight that off, but gives up and reaches out to take her hand in both of his, holding it there for a moment and squeezing before he lets her go and brings an end to that Hallmark moment. ]

Thanks, Charlie. For talking this through with me, and for... everything.

Yeah well you're damn good at killing monsters. Maybe your romance life isn't too far behind.

[ but again, she gives him a more serious look that her tone of voice. he will figure this out. she's sure of it. and especially at their hallmark moment, which should could very easily joke about, but won't. yet. not until enough time has passed and dean's secure enough in whatever decision came about that she can.

so until then, she'll just smile. shrug as nonchalantly as she can. ] That's what I'm here for. Glad I could help you for once.

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Dean Winchester | 006 | Day 95, private audio to Charlie Bradbury

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