003 | Dirk Gently | Day 113

[zen_navigator]

[Dirk flickers into view with what looks like plaster in his hair. He doesn't look especially happy.]

I have been here for over a month. I'm aware that many of you have been here for longer stretches of time. This does not change the fact that things don't exactly seem to be improving. Since I arrived, I've had a piece of mysterious technology strapped to my wrist, been surveilled, starved, had my mind invaded on who knows how many levels, and predicted something I could not stop like some sort of botched Greek allegory for human inefficiency.

[He growls, and the scenery behind him shifts, as if he's pacing back and forth in his bedroom. He's gesticulating wildly with his free hand, and barely containing the other from doing the same.]

There is nothing to do here except talk about how there is nothing to do here. I have made a map of locations of surveillance cameras which is completely useless, my cheese is entirely gone, and there's an entirely unnatural skylight growing in the ceiling of my bedroom!

[He ruffles a hand through his hair, dislodging a small cloud of plaster, and sighs.]

If anyone can help with the increasingly unsound state of my roof, please do let me know.

[video out]

Comments

[any1youwant]

Hey stranger. [Why she's even using the video instead of just walking down the hall to see him is a mystery.]

I don't mind sharing my room. I'll even help you move your bed. It's the least I can do. Some of the house seems completely stable and untouched.

[She offers him a small, but genuine smile.]

[zen_navigator]

[Well now he feels a bit silly for the shouting.] Hey.

The hole in my ceiling is growing. Or perhaps the plaster has just given up its will to live. I'm not sure which. [He looks upwards, no doubt at the said hole in the ceiling.]

Maybe just until this gets fixed. [This would be Dirk gratefully excepting her offer, if she couldn't tell.]

[any1youwant]

Well, the way I see it, you gave me the spare room you'd most likely be using right about now. I'll come help you move your bed... or at least the mattress. Unless, it's covered in plaster. [She looked at the camera pointedly.] Is it covered in plaster?

[zen_navigator]

Not entirely. [This look would be him admitting that, yes, it is covered in plaster.] I'll just...take the sheets off, shall I?

[any1youwant]

[She raises an eyebrow and sighs.] Well... [She knows she's going to regret this, but...] I don't mind sharing the bed, but if you try anything funny I'll- [She pauses, reigning herself in and puts on a terrifyingly cheery smile before continuing.] You'll be sorry, if you do, hun.

[hung_garian]

There might be some cheese in the store - not the real kind, of course. The kind that comes in a spray can and tastes like pre-chewed gum.

[He grins, fully aware of just how helpful he's (not) being.]

You could use it to patch up your roof, if nothing else. Might be a decent substitute for Polyfilla.

[zen_navigator]

[It's okay, he's taking the nonhelpfulness as a sign that he doesn't know what to do either.]

Might be effective. I doubt that canned cheese decays very quickly.

[hung_garian]

I'm told by those in the know that when we have our nuclear apocalypse, it's the only thing that might outlast the cockroaches.

[zen_navigator]

Those in the know, hm? Expert carpenters, are they?

[hung_garian]

Cheesemakers. They'll inherit the world, you know.

Video

[servingmichael]

How much structure is effected, or don't you know?

Re: Video

[zen_navigator]

I'm not a contractor. Do you see me wearing a tool belt and funny plastic hat?

[He looks up and sighs] There was a sort of...loud crack, during the quake, and things haven't progressed in any sort of encouraging manner since then. It's possible that something load-bearing broke.

Video

[servingmichael]

It's possible something load-bearing broke and you are still using the room?

[ ...Dirk please don't be that stupid. ]

[zen_navigator]

[This is a man that had a giant hole in his floor for years that went unfixed. At least he's being proactive. Still. Raphael makes a valid point.]

I'm clearing out now. If the rate of collapse stays constant, I should have the time. [And yes, he is in the process of throwing his plaster-covered pillows and sheets out into the hallway.] All of this would be unnecessary, of course, if someone would bother to fix it.

[servingmichael]

My suggestion would be to take a video of it and see if someone is able to determine the severity.

[bluesrat]

There's... probably some lumber still left from the work we did on the diner, but it depends how bad the damage is. You probably should keep out of the room until somebody comes and looks it over.

[zen_navigator]

[Well, at least that's...a step in the right direction.] Yes, so I've been told. You wouldn't happen to be a 'somebody', would you?

[bluesrat]

I can try to be. Not a professional, sorry, but I've done some construction work. Just give me directions.

[zen_navigator]

Some is better than none, I suppose. It would be helpful to know if the whole thing is waiting to collapse.

It's House Thirteen, across from the diner.

[bluesrat]

I know that one, I think. That'll make hauling materials over easier, too. I'll be right over in a few minutes, if that's okay?

[ video ]

[monticora]

[ Alec is a transgenic. With the enhanced senses, speed, strength and everything comes enhanced intelligence. Alec learned to play concert piano in days. Learning to a fix a roof? Probably won't take him that long though. He could do it faster than most of these schmucks. He's tempted to try too. Tempted because Anita has been telling him to stop being an asshole. ] I could give it a shot. I need a little compensation.

[ video ]

[zen_navigator]

[Hey, meet another person who met Dean first. Whoops. He's just going to assume that's who this is until further evidence presents itself.] What sort of compensation?

[monticora]

[ It happens. Alec has been trying to fly under the radar though with all the crap going on. It just seems easier. ] Something that'll make me wanna carve time out of my day to learn how. Got any booze? I'll do whatever you need for alcohol. [ It'd probably be better if he offered to do it free. He's probably not making many friends with his outlook, but this place isn't home. One day he'll need all this stuff he's collecting. ]

[zen_navigator]

There is a half bottle of some hideous liqueur in the kitchen. Melon or ginger or something. Does that suit your purposes? ['Learn how' doesn't exactly fill him with confidence, but an offer is an offer.]

[monticora]

I can work with that. Really hoping it's not ginger though. Sounds like a huge drag. [ If you want anyone fixing your roof it's probably Alec. Not that he'll back anything up with credentials or anything that could help prove he's not a sham. ] You give me the booze and I'll fix your roof problem.

What's you name?