001 || Britta Perry || vid

[brittanator]

[The feed kicks in with Britta staring, her head bobbing up and down as if she's confused by the device on her wrist.] I know retro is in, but- [Wait. Is it on?] Oh! It's on!

Hey, Troy and Abed. This? Not funny. Which way is Greendale?

... How'd you get the money to do all this, anyway?

Comments

[VIDEO]

[facilitated]

New person, hey! So listen, you're uh...totally nowhere near Greendale. Wherever that is. Sorry and stuff.

[VIDEO]

[brittanator]

Nowhere near Greendale?

[Britta stares at the feed with narrowed eyes. She is having none of this. She's an adult, damn it. Most of the time.] You know I'm a psych major, right? So whatever you're trying to pull, it isn't going to work.

[VIDEO]

[facilitated]

Psych major? [ She's seriously talking about her not-even-acquired yet college degree. If this is their example of an adult, they're screwed. ]

Psych major this: kidnapped in a strange town, running out of food, cameras and no TV. What's your answer?

[VIDEO]

[brittanator]

[ Her eyes widen as the girl continues talking. ]

Kidnapped?

[ Give her a second. ]

No TV?

They can't do that!

[VIDEO]

[facilitated]

Okay, yes we were kidnapped. [ This is her very best attempt at being positive. Silver linings, right? She can totally do this! ] But there's some pretty cool people here! Apart from the naked dude in my kitchen. And uh, well there's like psycho crazy gas stuff too, but that seems to be done now. And like, there's not much food. But....cool people?

[ ...She totally can't do this. ]

Listen just- don't freak out, alright? I can't do freaking out people.

video

[hung_garian]

Stripping, mostly. It's surprisingly lucrative.

[Sorry. Not here to help. Here to make things as difficult as possible.]

video

[brittanator]

[Ugh, what a typical man answer.]

Oh, yeah? I'm surprised you made any money at all.

What's going on? Is it another paintball game? City College? Did I get roofied again?

Re: video

[hung_garian]

None of the above. Try set up to a cheesy B-movie. Hope you like horrors, honey.

Re: video

[brittanator]

Please. You want to talk about horrors, how about we talk about Somalia. That's horrible. This is just like... what is this? One of those tourist trap towns where they remind you of how far women have come since their objectification and the hands of men?

Yeah. Spoiler alert. We haven't come that far!

[ video ]

[noblexcompanion]

Greendale? Isn't that where Postman Pat lives?

[ video ]

[brittanator]

Where who what now?

Uh... We get mail there, yeah. But I think federal labor union laws would have rules about mailmen living on campus. Unless they were enrolled.

[Which... was actually a possibility. Greendale had all sorts.]

[ video ]

[noblexcompanion]

Greendale. It's the village where Postman Pat lives and works. You know? Postman Pat and his black and white cat?

Re: [ video ]

[brittanator]

Uh... So...

No?

Is there, like, a phone or something around here?

[video]

[buttsoupbarnes]

[Troy, ecstatic to see the face of one of his dearly-missed friends, has tears welling up in his eyes as this is his natural reaction to any slight heightening of emotions.]

B-Britta? Is that you.

Oh thank god, you don't even know how much this has sucked. I've been stuck here forever, it's really scary, the people here are messed up, I have no friends-

[a pause, and a sniffle]

Well, okay- I had one friend but I think I got possessed by an evil beard or something(?) and said a whole bunch of really nasty things so I don't think she likes me anymore.

[No need to psycho-whatever that. Magic beard. End of story.]

Anyway, where are you?

[video]

[brittanator]

Troy!

[Finally, a friend, and someone who isn't completely insane! And it's Troy. She likes Troy. Maybe likes-likes Troy. Not that she'd ever ask him out. He can ask her out, and she can accept, but asking him out means admitting she needs a man. And she doesn't.]

I'm... by a fountain.

Troy, how did we get here? Where are we? Is it true we don't have any TVs?

Re: [video]

[buttsoupbarnes]

I've been able to gather some clues regarding our whereabouts which seem to suggest we're caught up in some sort of kidnapping situation orchestrated by Satan and possibly the clown puppet from Saw.

Crazy stuff happens every once in a while that makes all these crazy people even crazier.

[he stops to think for a moment]

I almost want to think we're on a sort of magic island like the one from Lost but no matter how many times Abed explained the ending to me, I just didn't get it. Were they dead along? Or-

Oh my god, am I dead?

Britta, am I dead? Are we dead?

Re: [video]

[brittanator]

[She listens with what she considers infinite patience, because Troy is talking crazier than usual. Maybe the dreamatorium has taken over his brain. And she can theorize stuff like that because she's a psych major.]

Troy? Troy, I need you to relax, okay? We aren't dead. And if we were on the Island from Lost, we'd be way dirtier, and there'd be a plane, right?

So let's talk about Abed. [And yes, she's speaking in her best therapist voice.] When was the last time you did stuff with Abed in his dreamatorium?

[hark_and_hush]

I don't know where Greendale is, but it's probably not anywhere near here.

[brittanator]

Yeah, what's this about people saying we've been kidnapped?

Like, kidnapped-kidnapped? Because... kidnapping isn't...

[Um. Words. Need. Words.]

Cool.

[Yeah. That'll do.]

[hark_and_hush]

Tell me about it.

[ Not her firsy trip to the rodeo, unfortunately. ]

I'm Ruby and yeah, we're all pretty stuck here.

[brittanator]

Britta.

[ She studies Ruby then, because... well... Ruby is a girl. A girl who is willingly talking to Britta that Britta hasn't talked to before. Of course, they don't know each other, so that might explain it. ]

So what are we here for, some weird kind of psych experiment?

[buttsoupbarnes]

Right. I'm so there.

[Excited to finally be reuniting with one of his friends, he took off towards their meeting place pausing only for a moment to consider growing a beard of his own. The fear that the act of growing a beard would probably turn him evil quickly overwhelmed him and he immediately reconsidered. He had nothing to overcompensate for anyway. Hell, he had nothing to regular compensate for.]

[brittanator]

[As soon as Britta sees him, she run-hobbles over (it isn't easy to run in these boots) and throws her arms around him).]

Troy!

[buttsoupbarnes]

[Oh god, it feels so good to have one of his friends physically in his presence. This one especially. Troy thoroughly enjoys every second of this moment.]

Yeah. It's really good to see you again. It was getting a little lonely. I'd really like to invite you to come check out my awesome place, but Fort Barnes mk. II was destroyed a little while back by an earthquake.

But don't worry- I've got some awesome blueprints drawn up for mk. III! I just need some more cardboard boxes before I can start construction.

[brittanator]

[Britta tightens her hug, but there's only so long she can make it last before it starts to feel weird. She likes Troy. Possibly like-likes him, but she doesn't want to risk him not feeling the same, which means she can't come on too strong.]

Troy! What are we going to do? How are we going to get out of here? No one can even tell me for sure where we are!