Entry tags:
audio | forward dated a bit to day 66
[ It's early in the morning. Before most humans should really be awake, honestly. So that's why maybe it's surprising when the communicator, and by extension, the network, catches the sudden panicked inhale of breath and the panic that follows. There's a good minute of rustling and noises that sound a little like whimpers before the sound settles down.
And then it's quiet. A beat. Another, then: ] Fuck, where --
[ That is definitely a familiar voice. Deep breath. Slow exhale - and the recording cuts off in the middle. ]
And then it's quiet. A beat. Another, then: ] Fuck, where --
[ That is definitely a familiar voice. Deep breath. Slow exhale - and the recording cuts off in the middle. ]
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No, of course I didn't. [ He can see what Jesse is getting at, but it isn't that simple, to him. He knows that cause and effect doesn't always work in comprehensible ways. Responsibility can be intangible and incomprehensible and Ned is far too used to being domino that sends all the others crashing down. It might not be rational to blame himself for a murder that someone else committed, but rationality isn't always his strong suit. ]
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[ It's so familiar to him. If Jesse took the blame for everybody else on top of the shit he's already done, the shit that he's gone through, he'd go crazy. And he knows it's got to be killing Ned. He doesn't want to be responsible for that. So he's going to make Ned see. ]
I don't blame you. Dunno why the fuck I even would. [ Deep breath. It's through incredible strength of will that he can talk this calmly. ] Don't take it all on you. S'gonna tear you into pieces, knock you on your ass. And trust me, hitting rock bottom's got a result of a fuckin' hell of a climb back up.
[ And because he's Jesse, he leans closer and kisses the side of Ned's head, personal space be damned. His voice gets a little rougher, a little less composed. He's so wrung out. ] You gotta blame someone, you blame the guy who actually did it. You blame the psychos running this place. Not you. You ain't cursed, piemaker, and y'can't get rid of me that easy.
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[ From the sound of Jesse' pep talk, measured as his voice is, Ned can tell he knows what he's talking about. Apparently this is another thing the two of them have in common. Ned's seen rock bottom - or some version of it - and he knows how long that climb can take. In a way, he is still climbing it. That's his problem. But if not blaming himself is what Jesse wants... the least he can do is try. ]
Okay.
[ After the incident with Daneel, Ned is even more on his guard than usual; when Jesse leans in to kiss his head, he spots the movement out of the corner of his eye. He jerks away in time to avoid the contact, but he doesn't do it all that subtly. It startles a soft, involuntary, and undeniably frightened gasp out of him: the kind you'd expect from someone who looks down to spot a snake slithering inches away from their bare foot. The motion carries him out of Jesse's grip entirely and he shudders, hands clenching into fists at his side. ]
[ Ned knows how obvious his recoil was, but he insists on pretending that nothing happening, saying with utterly transparent lightness ] We should keep walking. [ He needs to get Jesse back home, back to his real friends who can comfort him without making spectacles out of themselves. ]
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He falls silent, stomach churning again, guilt from all directions crowding in around his ears. He'll follow Ned wherever he leads. ]
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I'm sorry.
[ Jesse will know what he means. He should say more, maybe. Not a lot, but enough to explain. But he's saved by the sound of Kenzi's voice coming over Jesse's communicator, and he lets himself fall back a pace or two. Still there. Still watching for threats and keeping Jesse safe, but not hovering as much as he was before. He's glad they are nearly back. Kenzi will be able to take proper care of Jesse. Won't add salt to the wound. ]