audio | forward dated a bit to day 66

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[ It's early in the morning. Before most humans should really be awake, honestly. So that's why maybe it's surprising when the communicator, and by extension, the network, catches the sudden panicked inhale of breath and the panic that follows. There's a good minute of rustling and noises that sound a little like whimpers before the sound settles down.

And then it's quiet. A beat. Another, then: ] Fuck, where --

[ That is definitely a familiar voice. Deep breath. Slow exhale - and the recording cuts off in the middle. ]

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[rigging]

[ It's more reassuring than Ned could possibly know when he wraps his arms around Jesse. It makes him feel like he's got an anchor, something to steady him, and he lets out a slower, more stable breath. Shh, shh. It's okay, it'll be okay.

The mock-stern would normally get a laugh out of Jesse, but with how wrung out he feels, right now, it just gets a little sniff of amusement. His voice is still creaky, he can feel it, so he doesn't answer just yet, only nods and stays close. Don't think. Don't think don't think.

The offered coat is something that trips Jesse up a little, and he wavers before accepting it, pulling it around himself. It'll cover him up, give him one less trigger for panic. One less excuse to think about the point of a knife --

Jesse wraps his arms around himself again when he's got the coat on, and faceplants right back into Ned's shoulder, hiding his face. ] Th-thanks. [ Jesse mumbles. He wishes there were inhalers here, as much as he hates the things. His least favorite feeling is not feeling like he's getting enough air, and while he's not in any immediate danger, it still makes him uneasy and unsettled. ]

I-is -- is he still here? [ Ghoul, Jesse means, but he doesn't give Ned the chance to answer, turning his head so his voice isn't muffled. ] What about Galen - Kenzi, Bruce, y-- you gonna be okay?

[nedofpies]

[ Ned can hear how labored Jesse's breathing is, feels a spike of fear as he wonders if there is something wrong with him. There hadn't been a sign of any wound, but who's to say there isn't some lingering damage? Or is it just a panic attack? In any case, he needs to get Jesse somewhere safer than these woods, and soon. He wraps an arm around Jesse's shoulders, asks quietly ]

Can you walk?

[ He points them in the direction that they came and starts leading Jesse out of the woods, making sure to go as slowly as he needs. When Jesse asks if he's okay, Ned feels his throat go tight again, the pendulum of his emotions swinging back towards sadness. He can't find the words, but it's all there in his face: how low he'd sunk when Jesse had died, how hard it had hit him, how very not okay he would be if it weren't for the fact that Jesse is back now. ]

Yeah. I'll be okay.

[ It occurs to him then that he should clue Jesse in to the state of affairs. His voice is rough as he recounts the basic facts ] Everyone's back to normal. No more monster mash. Lotta people went missing, though. Galen and Kenzi... they'll be fine when we get back. I don't know if anybody told Bruce. We all kinda- [ He doesn't know the right word. Shut down? Slunk off to their separate corners to lick their wounds? ]

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[ There's lots wrong with Jesse, but that's something he's content to bury. Physically, he'll be okay, he just - he wants to go home, he wants out of the woods and into somewhere warm and safe. He wants to see that Galen is okay. Jesse leans into Ned's arm and nods a little. ]

M'alright. Not a damsel. [ It's meant to be a joke, and it comes out okay, considering the state Jesse's in. He can hear the discordant note in Ned's reassurance, though, if only because he's told the same cover-up-don't-think-about-me game more times than he can count. Maybe Jesse's slow to get out of the woods, but half of it is because he's insisting on being completely in Ned's space. Though he doesn't realize it now, his comment, before, about what they changed into being symbolic? It's almost startlingly true for Jesse. He isn't thinking in the same terms, but. Ned is pack. Ned is a friend. So Jesse reacts to that note the way he knows works for himself - by sticking close, unfazed by any sort of physical contact, holding onto Ned like a sort of lifeline.

In all honesty, right now? Ned kind of is a lifeline.

Head resting on Ned's shoulder, Jesse walks. ] Back t'normal, though. [ He mutters. ] Fantastic. Take 'way the wolf and put back in the shit lungs. Assholes. [ There's that bravado kicking in. Can't be vulnerable for too long, after all. ] Fuck. Fuck, Galen's gotta be - he...

[ He makes a frustrated noise. ] Four days [ And ignore the catch, the slight break in his voice, in his calm, at those two words ] is a fuckin' eternity, here.

[nedofpies]

[ Ned smiles faintly at Jesse's quip about the damsels. That conversation looks a lot different, from the other side. The two of them, talking about the politics of being afraid. Neither of them knowing how much worse everything was going to get before it was over. ]

Didn't get my normal powers back until after- until after they'd taken your body. [ He realizes halfway through the sentence that he probably isn't helping matters, talking about Jesse's corpse. ] Would've brought you back. [ And, by logical extension, would have killed someone else. Ned isn't ashamed to admit it. He would've done it without a second thought. ]

Galen's pretty messed up. [ Ned would like to sugar-coat that, but it's better that Jesse knows what to expect. He had only really caught glimpses of his housemate in the last few days, but they'd told him all he needed to know ] But he's got you back now. So it'll all be okay. [ They are coming to the edge of the trees, now. Nearly there.]

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[ The talk about his corpse makes him shudder unpleasantly. Jesse's shoulders come up around his ears at the mention of it, the empty feeling threatening to overwhelm him. With a hard swallow, Jesse takes a deep breath and tries to calm back down. He was fine a second ago, he just needs to go back to that.

... And he can do that by concentrating on what Ned says, both about bringing him back. To life, and to Galen. Because he knows Galen isn't going be okay, he knows that, but Ned bringing him back? Jesse knows the consequences for that.

He glances at Ned. Jesse really looks a mess, hair mostly in his face and expression wan and drawn. ] You woulda brought me back. Even with the... [ He gestures loosely. Ned knows what he means. ]

[nedofpies]

[ Ned sees that shudder, regrets what he said. He wants to ask if Jesse's alright, this time not in the physical sense. But of course, he knows the answer to that. How could he possibly be alright after being murdered, and so brutally? He wonders if it would help, offering up his own story, telling him how Charles had killed him, too, how frightened he was - still is. But no, no he shouldn't. Ned tells himself it's because he doesn't want to overwhelm Jesse, but that's only half-true. The other half of the truth is he doesn't think he's ready to talk about that, just yet. ]

[ Of course he knows what Jesse means. Ned tightens his hold on his shoulders, just a little. ]

In a second. [ He isn't sure fervent declarations that boil down to I would kill someone for you are kosher between friends, but it's the truth. ]

[ Ned swallows, tries to think of some way to mitigate how vicious that makes him sound. After all, Jesse's just been murdered. He probably doesn't want to think about how willing Ned is to do the same to someone else ] I know I h-haven't known you a long time and it's probably gonna weird you out to hear me say it but I... I kind of lost it when you- when I thought-

[ He feels the tears getting close again and looks upwards, blinking rapidly and willing them away. The horizon is just starting to get light, now. There's no point in trying to hide how deeply it had affected him. Jesse could just hear from Galen or Kenzi or someone else. Best to own up to it now, unprompted. Besides there is that sense of guilt that has been with him these past few days, more and more insistent, telling him to explain, to apologize. ]

It's just that bad things always happen to people if I let them get close to me. I know that sounds crazy, but is it any crazier than a guy who can bring people back from the dead just by touching them? Why are two curses weirder than just one? [ Ned knows he's rambling, but he needs to get this out, needs to give Jesse the opportunity to stay away from him and stay safe, now that he has a second chance. ]

[ In his current sleep-deprived and overwrought state of mind, it seems perfectly logical, what he's saying. ] And I knew that, but I didn't say anything to you. I just wanted you to like me, just wanted to have a friend for once, so I let you think I was safe and then you d-died and- and maybe what happened to you is my fault. [ His voice breaks, and he can't even face Jesse from the shame of it ] Jesse, if- if I had anything to do with it, I'm so sorry.

[rigging]

[ In a second. Ned would do that for him - he would let someone else die to have Jesse back, and that is something that Jesse isn't sure how to process.

Honestly, when Ned told Jesse about his power, Jesse never thought of it as murder. He still doesn't. There's a cause and an effect. A consequence, sure, but not murder. There's a difference, Jesse feels like - a difference between letting someone take the hit and going out and stabbing someone to death. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't, but it's the reason Jesse never really reacted strongly to Ned's revelation. It's the universe's fault. Jesse wouldn't want someone to die, but - neither would Ned. Jesse can't fault him for that.

But he listens, stopping them, so that he can turn to Ned and listen to his reasoning. Ned tells him that it might've been his fault. That people who get close to Ned tend to have horrible things happen to them, and it's so fucking familiar, it sounds so close that it rings unpleasantly in Jesse's head, like standing too close to church bells. Because after all, isn't that what Jesse used to think? What he still catches himself thinking, what he still tries to bury under layer after layer of jokes and smirks?

Jesse shakes his head. Reaches, carefully, feeling a little more clear headed than he has in the last few minutes, and rests his hands on Ned's arms. ]

Ay. Ay, no, lookit me. Did you tell Gh -- did -- did you tell him t'come stab me?

[nedofpies]

[ Ned tries to look at Jesse, but he can't keep it up for more than a few seconds. After that, he knows he really is going to start crying again if he doesn't do something, so he drops his gaze to their feet. Crossing his arms tightly over his chest, he rasps out: ]

No, of course I didn't. [ He can see what Jesse is getting at, but it isn't that simple, to him. He knows that cause and effect doesn't always work in comprehensible ways. Responsibility can be intangible and incomprehensible and Ned is far too used to being domino that sends all the others crashing down. It might not be rational to blame himself for a murder that someone else committed, but rationality isn't always his strong suit. ]

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[ Jesse sniffs, leaning a bit to try and see Ned's face. ] You ain't the one responsible for turnin' all of us into other things, neither, yeah? You didn't turn me into a wolf. Didn't turn -- him into a demon.

[ It's so familiar to him. If Jesse took the blame for everybody else on top of the shit he's already done, the shit that he's gone through, he'd go crazy. And he knows it's got to be killing Ned. He doesn't want to be responsible for that. So he's going to make Ned see. ]

I don't blame you. Dunno why the fuck I even would. [ Deep breath. It's through incredible strength of will that he can talk this calmly. ] Don't take it all on you. S'gonna tear you into pieces, knock you on your ass. And trust me, hitting rock bottom's got a result of a fuckin' hell of a climb back up.

[ And because he's Jesse, he leans closer and kisses the side of Ned's head, personal space be damned. His voice gets a little rougher, a little less composed. He's so wrung out. ] You gotta blame someone, you blame the guy who actually did it. You blame the psychos running this place. Not you. You ain't cursed, piemaker, and y'can't get rid of me that easy.

[nedofpies]

[ Even through the haze of his own unhappiness, Ned notices a pattern developing, in Jesse's refusal to say Ghoul's name. He can't blame him, but it still hurts to notice, to realize how frightened and upset he must still be. Ned tells himself that the least he can do is try to be here for Jesse in the future. Try to help him feel safe, to make him safe. ]

[ From the sound of Jesse' pep talk, measured as his voice is, Ned can tell he knows what he's talking about. Apparently this is another thing the two of them have in common. Ned's seen rock bottom - or some version of it - and he knows how long that climb can take. In a way, he is still climbing it. That's his problem. But if not blaming himself is what Jesse wants... the least he can do is try. ]

Okay.

[ After the incident with Daneel, Ned is even more on his guard than usual; when Jesse leans in to kiss his head, he spots the movement out of the corner of his eye. He jerks away in time to avoid the contact, but he doesn't do it all that subtly. It startles a soft, involuntary, and undeniably frightened gasp out of him: the kind you'd expect from someone who looks down to spot a snake slithering inches away from their bare foot. The motion carries him out of Jesse's grip entirely and he shudders, hands clenching into fists at his side. ]

[ Ned knows how obvious his recoil was, but he insists on pretending that nothing happening, saying with utterly transparent lightness ] We should keep walking. [ He needs to get Jesse back home, back to his real friends who can comfort him without making spectacles out of themselves. ]

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[ It surprises him, and Jesse pulls back quickly, looking a little stung. There doesn't need to be a reason for it, Jesse doesn't need to know why he pulled away, just that he shouldn't have done it, it made Ned uncomfortable or afraid, and he won't do it again. Jesse shoves his hands into his pockets and stays out of Ned's way, eyes on the ground. Keep walking. Right.

He falls silent, stomach churning again, guilt from all directions crowding in around his ears. He'll follow Ned wherever he leads. ]

[nedofpies]

[ He can see that he's hurt Jesse, which is the absolute last thing he wants, right now. It's no better than what happened with Daneel. He keeps hurting the people he cares about, and he can't seem to stop it from happening. The two of them walk in silence for a few paces before Ned breaks: ]

I'm sorry.

[ Jesse will know what he means. He should say more, maybe. Not a lot, but enough to explain. But he's saved by the sound of Kenzi's voice coming over Jesse's communicator, and he lets himself fall back a pace or two. Still there. Still watching for threats and keeping Jesse safe, but not hovering as much as he was before. He's glad they are nearly back. Kenzi will be able to take proper care of Jesse. Won't add salt to the wound. ]