cape_kore | Kenzi and Jesse are drunk idiots

[The feed starts out as audio of two idiots giggling, snickering, and clanging some pots or some shiz around until idiot number one remembers how to switch to video. Suddenly there's a shirtless Jesse standing in front of the stove with a frying pan in hand while Kenzi sits on the counter filming this magic.

You're welcome, Kore.]

Okay! Okay-- no, shut up! Okay. Today on cooking with Kenzi, we have speeeeecial guest, Chef Hotsauce cookin' up some grub. No-- no, dude, it's totally-- you have to call it grub if you caught it. I caught it. Okay, go. Go! Whatcha cookin', Hotsauce?

[ He will NOT shut up, rude. He's laughing too hard to answer for a second, because Hotsauce. Also, he's very drunk. It's hard to stop anything when he's drunk. ]

Cookin' - Hotsauce, jesus - rabbit. Fuckin' rabbit that Miss Kenzi caught all on her lonesome. Round of applause for her badassery, yeah? [ To his credit, his gaze only flickers to the camera once during all of his words. ] Rabbit and. Leaves. The fuck are these. [ Dude. You're the chef, you should know what that handful of rosemary is. ]

You heard it, folks! Rabbit. And. Leaves. This is culinary freakin'... genius you're witnessing. Okay. Do we need salt? I can salt it. I can do the salt part, Jesse. Just watch me. I'm saltacular. Trust me with the salt! Can I touch something? What about this?!

[That sure is a spatula suddenly in front of the camera. That sure is a spatula hitting Jesse in the arm... that sure is an unsanitary spatula now. Great.

KENZI sit down, Jesse is cooking. Does it need salt? Probably. Jesse shrugs, throwing the rosemary on top of the rabbit in the pan in front of him, and reaches for his glass, which is nearly empty. He's had a few. The spatula, however, makes him jump, which means they now have both a spatula that is unsanitary and a rabbit that is covered in rum. Uh. ]

Shit! Fuckin' - uh. Oops.

[Kenzi's laughing so damn hard that she drops the spatula, doubles over, and can barely breathe by the time she finally shuts off the feed. Don't try this at home, ladies and gents. Also... no one eat that.]

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[ Ned goes a bit red at that - embarrassed that apparently this is a really common thing for both of them, and it's something he knows so little about. But at least they are couching their teasing in compliments about his pies. That takes off any potential sting right off the bat. A small crease forms between his brows, and he tilts his head to the side as he says ] I thought it was just for companies and businesses and auctions of old junk people have in their attic. There's porn on the internet?

[ APFFFT Kenzi, what are you. Ned, what are you. Jesse squints at the two of them, and then promptly dissolves into giggles. He's doing that a lot, tonight, but people are hilarious. At least this time he manages to stop. Mostly. They escape sometimes. ]

The internet is for porn, dude. [ He glances at Kenzi, then back to Ned. ] Yer so underdeveloped in your internet usage, s'kinda sad. Wish we could learn you. Teach you.

Wish I could download a billion songs illegally right about now and maybe tweet-- [Hang on, she's gotta get out her invisible phone and mime texting as she says,] gettin tortured by bitchass scientists everyday for no reason lol SEND HELP!

[She drops the invisible phone and makes a totally defeated face for a second.] But Trekkie Monster is totes right. Internet, Porn, bam. All you need. It's about 98% people wishing they were getting laid, some other percent pictures of cats, and then the rest is hilarious memes and identity theft. Now you know.

[ In a lot of situations Ned would be wary of giving away how little he knew, or defensive about it, but this is just Kenzi and Jesse, and they are drunk and undignified enough that he doesn't feel so bad. ]

Okay, but I don't actually know. [ Because seriously what were any of those words you just used ] I have several questions. What is tweet and what's... [ He mimes Kenzi's gesture back at her, though he gets it a bit wrong. It doesn't look like typing, as far as he's concerned, and he's never seen a cell phone, so he has no idea what on earth is going on with the weird thumb-wiggling in midair. He says the word 'tweet' as if it were something in another language. ] ...that supposed to be?

[ Jesse has gotten to the point where he's sort of just squinting at everything, so don't mind him. How does he explain Twitter? How does he explain Twitter on cell phones? We just don't know. But he'll try. ]

S'a phone. Tell me you got phones, piemaker. [ A beat, and he flops down to lay on the floor because why not. Peering up at Ned (upside down, since he is not facing Ned) he lifts his hands and does the miming texting motion. ] Little cell phones y'got, and sometimes they got tiny keyboards or touchscreens? And Twitter is like this thing. Where you update what you're doin'. Or you're supposed to but I dunno, I just stalk celebrities with it so.

Like Galen! And Monkeyface. [ You mean Brad, Jesse. Quit that. ]

[At this point, all Kenzi can do is stare at Ned with obvious concern on her face. Okay, so her eyes are a little glazed over, but the concern is still there! Ned. Ned-- how...

She leans forward, kneeling awkwardly, trying not to fall on the floor!Jesse as she takes Ned's face in both her hands, still staring. So much staring. So much concern.]

You innocent, pastry angel. No. Shhh. It's better this way. It's better not knowing. Stay gold, pastryboy. [She ... she may or may not be stroking his face. This is an incredibly intense moment, you guys. She's still face-touching and gazing without breaking eye contact when she asks,] Which one is monkeyface? Galen tweets? Does he have fangirls? Are they crazy? I bet that shiz is hilarious.

[... Kenzi, back away from the piemaker.]

Of course we have phones, what, did you think we communicate by telegraph? [ Is Jesse just mocking him, now? ] What you're saying is, where you come from they have telephones with screens, like these- [ He gestures with the wrist communicator ] and keyboards like a computer? And people use them... for stalking? And that's a good thing? [ Yeah they've got to be just making fun of him, now. ]

[ Oh, good, face-touching, Ned's favourite. He thinks it's to his credit that he doesn't immediately jerk away, but lets her keep her hands on his face for a solid minute or so. He might be tense, sure, but anyone would get tense in that situation, right? Perfectly normal. But once she starts sort of stroking, it starts to rapidly become an intense moment - and not in the good way - for Ned. So he very calmly, very reasonably reaches up and moves Kenzi's hands away, before he lets her wrists go. ]

Pastryboy makes me sound like the worst superhero sidekick.

[ Jesse makes a little hissy-sound when Kenzi reaches to touch Ned's face, because even when he's this drunk he still remembers how Ned is much less touchy than the two of them. But Ned doesn't move for a moment, lets it happen. At least for a second, and when he pulls Kenzi's hands away, Jesse exhales slowly. He's still talking, but he's squinting at Ned, like he's trying to send a question of are you okay directly to Ned's brain so it doesn't make things weird. ]

Stay gold pastryboy - [ THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON and Jesse just gigglesnorts and answers the best he can. ] Uh, no, stalking ain't a good thing, yes, we got phones like that, uh, shit - Monkeyface is Brad, Galen tweets, his fans are yes, fuckin' batshit, and they ship - what's the name. Bralen. Oh my fuggingod.

No way, Ned, it makes you sound like the baddassiest best superhero sidekick ever! If I didn't already have Kobra, you could be my sidekick. But I do. Be Jesse's sidekick. Hotsauce and pastryboy.

[Her drunklogic continues to be flawless as all fuck. And then Jesse answers her rapid-fire question and she slowly turns to look at him, wide-eyed and still doing that intense stare thingy. So much staring. All the staring ever, Jesse, are you uncomfortable yet? Probably not.]

........ I need a pen. Paper. And enough quirky info to accurately write hilarious fanfic.

[ He can see Jesse squinting at him in what he... probably means to be reassuring, but actually makes his skin crawl, just a little. Perhaps not so subtle as he thought. He ignores the look, is glad when Jesse stops and goes back to giggling. Even if he and Kenzi are still making no sense whatsoever. Is all of this just the intoxication, or is he really so in the dark about things? ]

Why is Jesse hotsauce?

[ Perhaps there's a story there that he doesn't know. ]

I'm gonna come right out and say that I didn't understand about half those words, but... [ Ned fishes into the inside pocket of his jacket, pulls out a pen and a small pad of paper. Yes, he just had those on him. He offers them to Kenzi. Was she really serious about writing? Because he's giving her the means. ]

Kenzi and Jesse are drunk idiots - JOINTPOSTEXTRAVAGANZA!

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