what is this / 01

[stiling]

[ The transmission starts off audio, a confused voice spluttering to itself as Stiles haplessly hits buttons on his communicator. ]

Okay, well, ya said Cape Kore like that means anything to me, but here's the thing, sucker, is that I've never been to a Cape Anything. --Who even lives near a cape, I'm not a cape kind of --

[ Video! It flips over and the face jumps and makes a few surprised shapes. ]

Well. Hello, guy. That just flashed. Nine-one-one? Hello? I'm, um. I'm not living here. There's been a mistake.

Comments

[shesamarshmallow]

That's a terrifically long name. How do you fit it onto a name tag?

[Mockery is an art. Veronica has evidently been taking lessons for a very long time.]

[stiling]

I write with really careful letters.

[ Veronica, meet a possible match. Stiles is about as quick and when he's pissed, the sass just keeps coming. ]

Stiles. Just call me Stiles.

[shesamarshmallow]

Good. That's a good start. [And... had that been humor? Not bad. Not bad at all.]

Veronica. Veronica Mars.

So far, we haven't been able to escape. Our food isn't being replenished, and we've only managed glimpses of the people keeping us here.

What else can I help you with?

[stiling]

-- Well, yeah, gee, Hawkeye, I think we got it now, let's round up the troops. Wow, what?

[ But something's clicking. ] But okay, whoa, back up to the food part. The not escaping's kind of a given, part of the whole being kidnapped thing, but food means we're being held here a wwwwhile. Right?

[ His eyebrows carefully sketch upwards. ]

[shesamarshmallow]

[She has her chin propped up in her other hand, but she uses the hand to point at the feed at that last bit.]

They make 'em quick where you're from.

What'll the part about people getting kidnapped sinks in. That's my favorite part.

[stiling]

Learned from the best.

[ He chews his lip, doesn't expound. ] The kidnapping's old news, though, man, I know what a cut and dry snatch and grab looks like by now.

[ Beat. ] Because. Of. Movies.

[shesamarshmallow]

Oh. That's nice.

I know... [Aaaaaand beat.] Because. Of. Life.

Anyway, you might want to find a place to stay if you haven't been assigned a place. Might want to try some place with food, and it seems someone stole all the food from the empty houses. So I recommend getting a roommate, if only temporarily.

[stiling]

Oh. That's some colorful life experience you got there, Veronica.

What, there's like no system in place here? Bucket of gruel at the end of every evening outside your cell block? What the hell kind of kidnapping is this anyway?

[shesamarshmallow]

Hale naw, son. This is the good life. We have Doritos.

They used to replace the food each night, and a couple days ago, they stopped. So a food shortage is imminent.

Hope you don't each much.

[stiling]

Oh, well! So long as they're the delicious cheesy snack food-bestowing kinda kidnappers!

[ Stiles? Moving a mile a minute in the mouth and also the limbs? Dude burned carbs like it was his job. ]

Why'd they stop? Last I checked if you want your ransoms you kinda have to, y'know. Keep your victims alive.

[shesamarshmallow]

[Veronica just looks at him for a while, waiting for him to realize that their kidnappers don't particularly care.]

There are cameras and everything, too. Bugs, probably.

I don't think we're ransom. I think we're an experiment.

Oh, hey. There are people with superpowers from other universes and stuff, too.

[stiling]

So, what, the plan's to get us to start tearing each other up over the food?

[ His face drops to something deadpan then, because there's weird and he understands weird - a little too well by this point - but then there's weird. ]

Yeah, we've got E.T. chilling back in a diner somewhere, ordering curly fries. Come on.

[shesamarshmallow]

Yep. We're going to be the smallest World War III ever.

[She grins at his face.]

You saw him, too, huh?

No, but seriously. There's this one girl who can do all this crap with lightning and there was this box a while ago and a demigod or something came out. Everybody was freaking out.

[stiling]

And I didn't even get to bring my machete.

Uh. [ Oh, okay, she actually means it. This is a new thing. Werewolves and people who can shoot lightning bolts. ] Like force lightning? Wait, which demigod?

[ He's just gonna roll with it for now. Why the hell not? ]

[shesamarshmallow]

It's okay. I've got a plastic knife I can loan you. But I'm going to need it back.

And Loki. Norse. Had sex with a horse.

You don't have that where you're from? Seriously?

[stiling]

I make no promises, but it's a thoughtful touch.

Come on, I know who- Loki is. He's the trickster god, right? -Here?

[shesamarshmallow]

Did I not say he was here? I could have sworn I said - and I quote - that Loki had sex with a horse. Meaning Loki is here.

He had sex with a horse elsewhere, though.

[stiling]

Somewhere amidst all the horse dongs is still not changed that there's a freaking demigod here, sorry, I'm kinda adjusting to it!

[shesamarshmallow]

That's fine. Take all the time you need to adjust to the horse dongs. I can wait. [She takes a moment to look around, whistling.]

So? Got a place to stay yet?

[stiling]

[ Stiles scoffs out a laugh. ] Kinda thinking the dongs are somethin' that takes more practice than, wow, my mind is going unfortunate places.

Yeah, I got a couch! It's a start.

[shesamarshmallow]

Wow. You are living it up.

Hopefully without real horse dongs. Especially since we don't have any horses around.

[stiling]

I know. I'm styling.

[ dohohohoho stiles: 1, puns: 0 ]

Loki oughta be disappointed in which case.

[shesamarshmallow]

[She raises an eyebrow at that. Puns? Really? Have they fallen so far?]

I think you can hear him crying sometimes. Late at night when the fog rolls in.

So what's your story, Stiles? Normal kid, no superpowers, no secret identities, no secrets?

[stiling]

Forget La Llorona. It's Loki's weeping you gotta look out for on those late nights.

[ There's a moment when his mouth opens and shuts like he might say something, but she gets nothing but a shrug of his shoulder and a wry grin. ] Not unless you count the porn under my bed. I dunno, regular old high-schooler in the works. I definitely can't do anything with lightning. [ He wiggles his fingers at the camera. ] Sorry to disappoint.

[shesamarshmallow]

[Veronica's eyes narrow, genuinely curious about that Actually-I-might-raise-unicorns-or-something-equally-interesting expression (though really, what could be as interesting as having access to unicorns?), but he doesn't follow through and, for now, she's willing to let it go.]

Yeah. Neither can I. I guess we're both disappointments.

You know, you might be able to barter that porn of yours, if any came through with you.