fifth ( video ) day 65

[gleans]

[ Galen isn't on camera for long, but when he is, he looks like shit; tired, raw, and maybe a little drunk. It's been a terrible week.

He clears his throat, brow furrowing like he's trying to focus, then frowns before speaking: ]

Hey -- if we're apologizing for stuff, I should prob'ly say sorry too. [ He drops his chin on his free hand, leans into his fingers so he can rub at his eyes, and then the view tilts to the ceiling. ] Sorry for all the. Like. Really bad nightmares. Couldn't help it but 's still bullshit. M'sorry.

[ He chews at the edge of his tongue, then -- yeah, that's enough. The feed is cut. ]

Comments

[private/audio]

[tooghoulforschool]

[Ghoul's been dreading this since he turned back to normal. It's been eating away at him the entire time and he can only hope that Jesse came back. But he can't just ask that...

He can't just--]

Galen? Galen, don't hang up, just hear me out. What happened-- ... that shit-- I didn't mean-- I mean, I wouldn't. Never woulda--

Look. I don't deserve forgiveness, not lookin' for that shit. Just want you to know how ... how fuckin' sorry I am. Words ain't gonna fix what happened. Not tryin' to excuse what I did. M'so sorry.

[He takes a deep breath, unsure of what else to say. Hallmark doesn't exactly make cards for this kind of thing. Even with Anna reassuring him, he's responsible. He can remember every sickening detail.]

( private/audio forever )

[gleans]

[ It takes him a long time to answer. It might even seem like he's not going to. ]

Blaming you'd make me a f-fucking hypocrite. I had fucking -- I had influence too. [ And the first time can't be blamed on their captors. He sniffs, and his words slur a little. ] Maybe -- maybe if I hadn't gotten in your fucking face in the first place, huh? F'we weren't proud fucks.

[tooghoulforschool]

[Oh-- oh god. He honestly wasn't expecting a reply. Sure as hell wasn't expecting THIS.]

Nah. No, man, don't-- this wasn't your fault, don't make it your fault. None of this blame's on you, you hear me? Not you. Don't do that, Galen.

[gleans]

Who the fuck do I blame? It doesn't even matter, cuz it won't fucking bring Jesse back! But I can -- I can, I can't stop thinking about it, what'd I do, what could I do, fucking -- nothing.

[tooghoulforschool]

He's still-- ... fuck. No, if you gotta blame someone, you blame the guy with the knife in his hand. [Galen can't see it, but he's hanging his head. Clenching his fists. Covering his face with his hands.]

So fucking sorry. Never wanted this. Never wanted to do that to either of you.

[gleans]

[ There's a silence while he buries his face in his hands, tries to calm himself back down. He's cried more in the last few days than he has in a long time, and it only makes him want to puke, now. He tries to breathe, sniffs. ]

S'what makes it so much fucking worse. [ A shaky breath. ] I dunno what t'do.

[tooghoulforschool]

... How 'bout I call you if I ever figure that out. [Because he still doesn't know. Party's been gone a long time now. Too long.] Breakin' shit usually helps.

[Doesn't help much.]

[gleans]

[ A sad little laugh. ] Sounds like something he'd say.

Think -- just think m'gonna need a few days. I don't -- I don't think he'll be back.

[tooghoulforschool]

[Shit. He hisses quietly. That's why he didn't want to use video and there he goes fucking it up anyway. They're too similar. It's probably painful. Just like seeing Galen hurts sometimes.]

Yeah? Well... here's hopin' you're wrong, huh? [For your sake, Galen. For the sake of Ghoul's soul, if he even still has one.] I'll stay away. If you need me, I'm there, but I'll stay away from you. Won't have t'see me.

[gleans]

... Yeah. Thanks. [ He swallows thickly. ] 'N -- sorry you've gotta deal with this. And for the nightmares.

[tooghoulforschool]

No, no way, it's nothin'. Nothin' I didn't deserve. [He sighs so, so heavily.] Later, Galen.

[gleans]

I -- [ He sighs. None of them deserve this. But right now, he feels too much like crap to argue. ] ... Later, Ghoul.

[video]

[nevermindtherunning]

[He's looking at him a bit pensive, mouth in a flat line. The Doctor didn't particularly care for being reminded of the Time War as he traveled with enough guilt from that already. Then the mentionings of his prophecy, cryptic as it may have been.]

It's forgiven.

[Because what else could he do?]

[gleans]

[ Galen nods, but can't really look at him. He remembers parts of this nightmare. ]

Thanks. I, um -- appreciate it.

[nevermindtherunning]

[He scrubs at his face and sighs.]

I'm sorry for anything you might have seen. Really, so very sorry.

[A part of him wasn't sure if he was apologizing to himself for it as well. Honestly, he'd be perfectly content if he didn't see it, reminded of it, or especially in this case, relive it.]

[gleans]

S'alright. For what it's worth, I don't really remember much, so y'don't have to worry about like... private stuff.

[nevermindtherunning]

Oh? Good!

[So the prophecy still remains a mystery. That was good, even though it was never completely on display in his dream.] Right, well! At least that nonsense is over!

[Distraction, distraction, distraction!]

[video]

[onteamdyson]

... Squishy? You okay over there? [Because you are drunk. And she is concerned.] Not sure if now is the best time for the mushy apologies all over the network.

[gleans]

[ Mmmrrrr. ] Had t'do it eventually. I'm fine.

[onteamdyson]

[Fine? He's not even close to fine and might not ever really be fine again and she totally knows that and she can't fix it and it's driving her CRAZY!]

If you say so. Just remember to make a list of the people giving you a hard time so I can go kick their asses later. [Uberfrown.] Do you have water? Where even are you, downstairs?

[gleans]

Mm. [ Does he? On the desk, somewhere. Maybe. ] Spare room.

[onteamdyson]

[Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. She disconnects and trudges over to the spare room, tying her hair up in a messy bun before knocking on the door and pushing it open.]

Just me, obvi. [She is seriously worried about you, Galen.]

[gleans]

[ At... least he isn't drinking anymore? He's flopped out on the small bed, arm over his eyes, hoodie up. ]

Nnngh, come back in twelve hours.

[onteamdyson]

[Really not that much better. Just gonna sit on the edge of the bed taking up as little room as possible. She doesn't want to leave him like this, so maybe she just won't say anything. Yeah. Let's go with that. Because twelve hours is a really long time and sleeping hasn't been so awesome lately.]

[gleans]

[ Well, if she's gonna stay, he's just gonna... blindly reach for her hand with his free hand, not saying anything, either. ]

[onteamdyson]

[Thank everything! She moves closer, taking his hand in both of hers and just holding it. It's really hard to stay hopeful when Jesse's been gone this long and Galen looks like this and she's completely out of things to say that won't just make it that much worse.

So she just curls up next to him, not letting go of that hand. He'll talk when he's ready. Or they'll fall asleep. Or she'll be there if he has to vom. Whatever he needs. That's what best friends do!]

[gleans]

[ After a long silence, he finally mumbles something out: ] Don't even like drinking.

[onteamdyson]

[F-ffff, awwww, no, Galen! Augh. Her heart.] Then maybe you should have left it to the professionals! [A beat.] ... It doesn't really help. Trust me.

[gleans]

Mmmyeah, figured that out. [ Uuugh. ] Just wanted t'... pass out for a while.

[onteamdyson]

Pass out now. You can apologize to peeps later. I seriously doubt anyone's mad at you, Squishy, it's kind of impossible.

[gleans]

Just felt like shit. [ He had to say something, push off at least some of the terrible feeling. ] Least s'done now.

[onteamdyson]

Yeah. Good point.

[This is really depressing. She wants to know what he's thinking, even though she has a pretty damn good idea, but that would mean talking about it and that would make it more real. More final. The only thing that could possibly make this better is Jesse walking through that door and Kenzi can't give that to him and it's killing her.

She lifts their hands, shifting her grip so their fingers are entwined, and drapes her free arm over her stomach because she feels sick. It's gotta be so much worse for him.]

I'm sorry, Galen.

[gleans]

[ His eyes squeeze shut under his arm. He doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to keep being reminded that Jesse is gone. ]

I dunno what t'do. M'just -- so fuckin' drained.

[onteamdyson]

Well, then I guess that's it. We might as well just give up because everything sucks and everything is terrible and we can't win. So what's the point, right? We'll just lay here and get really drunk until they science us to death or dinosaurs eat our faces or a bologna sandwich comes to life and smacks us in the face. We're throwing in the towel. Okay. Awesome. That settles it. I'm gonna go find some peanuts to snack on, do you want to drink bleach or set yourself on fire?

[Not trying to be mean. Just trying to make a point. She gives his hand a squeeze.] We have to deal with this eventually, you know. You've seen what happens when you don't talk about shit. You go all crazy like me and totally shut down anytime someone mentions you-know-who.

[gleans]

[ He seems to rein himself in a little, at that. Yeah, he's being stupid and miserable. ]

There's nothing t'talk about. He's dead, I feel like shit, the end.

[onteamdyson]

Yeah, but it's not the end, though. And he could still come back! There's been like... seven billion Natashas! Party came back once. He could still come back. I've been here so damn long and you know the one thing these bastards haven't taken from me yet? Hope.

[She sighs, rolling over on her side a little more towards him.] ... Just don't give up, Galen. Not yet.

[gleans]

[ He rolls over a teeny bit, careful not to breathe in her face, and squeezes her hand, then sort of peeks under his arm. His eyes are tired, a little bloodshot. ]

... Thanks, Kenz. 'M trying.

[onteamdyson]

[So. Much. Relief. She smiles sadly and squeezes back.]

Good. Go to sleep. Lucky for you, I come from a long line of Russian priestesses with the ability to be human dream catchers that kick bad stuff in the face before it can get near you. Promise I won't go anywhere, so just sleep.

[gleans]

[ He makes a little amused noise, then lifts her hand to kiss her fingers. It's a friendly gesture. ]

M'gonna give it a shot. Sorry in advance 'f I puke.